Last year, around this time, I was in England. It was an
amazing experience. My first time ever out of my country and the best bit – on
my own. I lived it up. Though when I look back – maybe I’ll find things – I now
think – could ‘ve been better. For some reason – I settled quickly into the new
place. Had I not, things might have been more adventurous. Maybe not.
Randomness has its own beauty.
I did not shoot many videos – and I don’t know why. Maybe it
could’ve been my own little documentary. Or my memoir of the little lanes and
by-lanes, and tiny wet houses I strolled past on my trip to Cumbrian mountains.
It was certainly the best evenings I ever spent. In chill and rain…soaking it
up all. I particularly remember myself smiling all the time because I was
loving every minute of it and people who walked past me returned my smile –
thinking I was a tourist trying to make myself comfortable smiling at them.
Well I was a tourist. I remember myself looking up in the sky on top of the
boat ride I took at Ambleside – telling God how much I love him..for giving me
that wonderful moment in time. The snow-clad mountains against a lush green
backdrop and dark skies …and then downpours. Getting off on the road and
walking in drizzles…oh it was an awesome feeling, hard to describe. I felt like
God planned it so perfect – especially for me. I remember the shops I took
shelter in…when it got heavy and then bought a purple umbrella for 3 pounds! It
matched so well with my white overcoat. On my first evening, walking back to my
hotel – that awesome Mughal food in an Indian restaurant on the street. Looking
outside over the road- with fine music and the place abuzz with locals and
tourists. I sat there wondering – may God bless this man who runs the place. I
can have my favorite Indian dish sitting in a remote corner of England! That is
so wow. And then buying a red wine bottle – not bc I wanted to drink but bc it
was on sale! That was so hilarious. I had too glasses and slept like a baby.
Worth the money!! The delightful breakfast and another day in wet mountains.
Walking length and breadth ..it was feeling God every moment. Anything more
wonderful than getting to see such heaven – without having to die?
And that moment when I stood at the Tower Bridge. It was
majestic - with all the lights illuminating Thames on a breezy night. When I
saw London in pictures, I used to wonder – maybe one day I’ll be standing there
sipping a coffee. I was standing there sipping a Starbucks! Thank God for that
moment. I spent several evenings there feeling wonderful but lonely. That pause
made me crave to have someone in my life. It still does. That’s a different
story. The emotions were a mix of a confident mind telling ‘what’s the big
deal?’ and a child-like heart relishing every moment of those events in time.
Like my long-lost self was back – out with joy and alive with beauty. The
feeling of telling myself not all is lost and I can do it. On my own.
Some days were extremely difficult. I missed home. And
though I always knew there’s nothing like it, I realised it even more. The
person I trusted all along, humiliated and insulted me. The sole focus that I
had put into taking up - into what looked like my only chance – was getting
blurred in front of my own eyes for someone who de-railed my whole focus. I
stood there helpless. Trying until the end, thinking I’ll get what I’ve come
here for. I’ll do something good with my life. Make my people proud. And more
importantly, prove to myself that I’m not yet done in life. There’s something
beautiful out there for me and I’ll find it. An year later, that quest is still
on. But I haven’t yet figured my direction. I keep getting back to doing what I
don’t like. Just for money. How else will I sustain myself? I don’t have a
single soul to fall back on for my needs or even in crisis. I have to work –
whether I like it or not. If I had the luxury, I would have sat in a cozy
corner with a big cup of hand-beaten coffee and written my book. Or an article
for some magazine I could have been working for – not for money but for
passion. But nothing of that sort is happening – not anytime soon atleast. I am
not social anymore as I have nothing to talk about. Maybe why
anyone needs to know? Good or bad, failure or success..whatever it is, it is my
story. Just mine.
I am a woman of a lot of flaws. A lot. Maybe that’s why I drive
long distances to reach nowhere. And then pat my back for a wonderful drive and
no life-threatening accidents! I might cry for an empty fuel tank for my next
destination..and then finally find some. The interesting bit is I repeat all of the
above the second time round…where-ever I set out. Soul Seeker? Eternal Lover? So you get the drift?
