"I am sorry." But when do you really forgive?

I have almost lost someone I opened my heart and life to in a long, long time. I am using ‘almost’ because ‘hope is a good thing’. Yes, that is from Shawshank Redemption.

I don’t 'usually' react when people display anger because there’s always a reason. I wait till they calm down and share why they did what they did. It always works because I believe they are telling me the truth. I don’t take offence or discard it as ‘mere justification’. Instead, I feel they consider me bankable enough to show me their true emotions, knowing I won’t walk away. Call me crazy but bad behaviour from people who you love and care for, establishes their genuineness and the trust they show in you for being ‘themselves’ in that moment. Try opening up to it like we do to good behaviour. Everyone likes the ‘nice you’. But how many people would take the ‘bad you’? The ugly you? And still never change their perception or their treatment of you. Always nice is fake or divine. We all are different people at different times. That doesn’t change the core of our being. It’s a manifestation. I let it be that.

This time, I reacted. For aweful things I said, I was awefully sorry. Maybe I thought it’s too strong a relation to change on my random behavioural anamoly. When there's a malice lingering from past, forgiveness never happens. And the worst part, the guilty shall remain guilty without knowing it ever. Everything they say or do henceforth appears differently. You question if the guilty has a motive, or are they even genuine? You have chosen to believe yourself rather than the person at the other end.

My relationship was a wonderful mix of many little things and a lot else. There was sincerity, openness, and no secrets. Until a suspicion distorted all that was between us. It came to light and the damage could be seen very clearly, even in dark. An email was misconstrued of its content and held me culprit without a case. If you ask me how aweful it feels, my knowledge of vocabulary wouldn’t do justice. Lack of trust is my finding. I just wasn’t trusted enough in any of the spaces we shared. 
Would you loose people who matter on assumptions?

Trust works only one way – when it’s present at both ends. We had a lot of small tiffs earlier but none got blown up ever. Until then the ‘sorry’ were accepted with complete honesty. There was no change in our treatment of each other. Ever. And we never quoted, “….the last time you…”. Personally, I don’t even know how to hold grudges. I cannot sulk for long. I am too restless to do it. When there are two, decisions mustn’t be taken alone. More so when you haven't disclosed, clarifications you haven't sought, fears you haven't shared. Isn't that the first thing to do when you believe in someone? If not, it establishes the distrust you initiated even further, demeaning the entire labor of love that goes into creating a relationship between two people – whatever that is.

It takes a lot to build, and nothing to destroy.

When someone is sorry, they want to be trusted with it. That’s ALL it takes to restore the moment. Insincere forgiveness compounds the guilt – at each end.

Acceptance of all we are is the only way to live. The only way to love. We need it the most when we deserve it the least. 

That’s all the difference between myth and reality.

That’s all the distance from now to always.