tell me what it is

your cotton heart- that paper kite

an ounce of wind.  a stretch of string

hold it at one, flies at other end

Freedom or captivity?

death

No matter how often we hear or see it – around us, amongst us, we never get used to it. We are almost as unprepared. Yet, even if for a moment, it makes us pause and ponder. Where are we heading? What do we value? Who do we love? Are we living moments?

Two days back, I lost my aunt. Four months back, it was another. Both loved me some way. Although I am not emotionally attached to relatives, except both my grandmothers who doted on me, their silver-white hair and a smile that only love brings. I didn’t beat my chest in grief, yet it moved me enough to tears. Pain is rarely loud. When people become memories, there is no second way to express or so I experience?

It’s a tad difficult to understand what’s the best way to say your last goodbye. What if you don’t have time? What if death is sudden? What if those you love aren’t even around? Oh God – that would be really bad. I don’t have answers. No one has.

Who knows how will I die? And when? I don’t wish to know that. But I’ll wish I have my family around – my parents, sisters, perhaps T - a friend who has been all that this word ever meant to me, and my elusive lover who still remains elusive. Maybe he's held up in traffic? That I get a chance to say one last time I always loved you all. That I hope I wasn’t much of a trouble, my silliness included. That you gave me the most precious thing – time – when I needed it. That I hope to have lived to your expectations. Sorry Mom – I gave you the hardest time. That I was always sorry for hurt I caused, and the promises life did not offer me a chance to fulfil. That I couldn't make it big, but I held onto my inner voice. That I couldn’t thank you enough for being in my life – for accepting all of me – yet staying like yesterday. That when the earth was going round, you made my world worth this circle- of life and death.

Maybe I’ll never get a chance?

In that case, I’ll go tell them now?

(I have this post - to be on the safer sideJ)

no condolences

He said, '...will you shut me out now'? She said, 'No'. She didn't.
He was tired. She comforted. He was angry. She heard. He was hungry. She felt bad. 
So funny?? She was. He laughed like you.
He needed a friend. She was. He needed a woman. She was. 'You are what I'd been looking for' - he had said.

Then - he left for new- touchable. Made his choice, and hers. 

Now - why the itch? 

Go figure.

For her. No meaningless strings. 

No condolences.

background noises...

I don't want to pray to God to answer my stuff; it never works.
I don't want to be working at my current job; its time for the big leap.
I don't want to stay in this city anymore; but hell...nothing else is making way.
I don't want to see everyone falling in love -getting married - having babies; i feel jealous.
I don't want to chase on slippery edges; not more wounds to nurse.
I don't want to be nice to people; be blunt - just as they 've been.
I don't want to be told how good I am; it sounds too fake. 

I don't want to make compromises coz time is running away. Who's doing that for me?
I don't want to be funny and make you smile all the time; it doesn't get you any closer.
I don't want to be convinced on how you think it should be; it makes no sense.
I don't want to be there anymore for you when you desire
I don't want to make you feel important; I don't matter to you.
I don't want to listen to your stories anymore; don't want to share mine either. Its useless.
I don't want to prove anything. Like you 'are'. so I 'am'.
I don't want lollipops; I am not 16.
I don't want platonic nonsense; I am not 60.
I don't want anything less than love.
....for everything else, they made a master card.

& they say all's well in the end....?

A glance in full-length mirror

some final touch

I'm ready to smile, face another day

zipping through mad traffic

halt at red light

a flash through my mind

no signs...of someone

life eluded me again,,clever

And now am back to a dark room
On tv, they talk of rains, romance 
I must listen to some news.

yet another day 

closer to an end

No, its not what I'm scared of

Dont desire to end alone...