Dear Men

When I was a little girl
I loved everything
You touched me dirty
I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t tell.
Then I grew up young and pretty
I loved dresses, lipsticks
No matter what I wore you made me feel naked
I gave up skirts and covered
You still saw it all
I stepped out for my dreams
And see what world is all about
You groped me at every chance
So I bought a car
You made fun I don’t drive well
Did you ever notice I was nervous of your gaze
Hence I got my glasses tinted
You found it intriguing and followed me
I thought so hard. 
I fought so hard.
Nothing worked.

Now I am free and I am wild
Call me a woman or child
Don’t look at my eyes. Look what they see
Don’t look at my lips. Hear what they say
Don’t touch my body till you feel my soul
Be that Man. Then you truly make me whole.
Until then, let me BE.

I - Define

I'm
Spring. Touch me
Hope. Take my hand
Trust. Keep walking
Strength. Don't fear
Excitement. Just enjoy
Beauty. Look around
Silly. Smile often
Tender. Handle fragile
Simple. Explore slow
Love. Feel within
Eternity. Fall free
                            Made for you..
                                                                  a woman

Paintings on my skin....

I really don't know if I must reveal my secret sensual longings to an entire world. I am pretty old-fashioned and reticent, on things so personal. Guess its about telling things to myself, and not as much about you reading it. So I must go on...The moment screams to uncork. (Or maybe I'm a plain idiot). I smile to myself. I am anonymous. Advantage point??

In the backdrop...people crossed my path. Hammered my heart into a billion pieces. So many years. Many confessions of undying love only to reveal a mutilated corpse of vain, unkept promises, and crushed trust. I shattered like a glass-sky let loose. Cried for nights in a row. I walked like dead, over many days..so many seasons, fearing more hurt. Those weren't the kinds I desired and deserved. I did not curse for, people who don't value love and companionship must better be forgiven. They are already underprivileged.

My life beats for the one who'd stay by my side until I die. You, my yet-to-happen man. I long for you. I'm sure you'd cross every obstacle to make me your princess. You wont give me excuses of us being any other way, coz you know this way is the right way. Maybe I must want you hard? Pray harder?? I don't know the when-how-why's of our story. But I've faith you'll be reading me, wherever you are. Some part of this not-so-big world. Some city. Some office. Some place. Maybe you're sipping some hot coffee. Relaxing at a party. Some outing. Or a movie. I don't know. But I know, you'll be wanting me. Exactly like I'm thinking now....I love every bit of you just as you do. You are there for me when I need you the most. You love me the way I am. Your witty nothings make me laugh at odd times. You support my dreams in life. Your embrace reaffirms my belief in self when I am down. With the pillow of your arm under my head, I sleep like a baby. You long for me when I am not around. You make me feel so beautiful by that stolen glance from corner of your eyes, while reading your newspaper. You tickle my senses when your fingers tuck my carefree locks behind my ears. You make me your best friend when you confess cozy, curious desires in a naughty smile. I've no idea of where you've been hiding. Why aren't you here with me. But I know, someday..someway...we'll be together baby. Don't let me down.

You are the love of my life. I love it when you call me early mornings and say you did it to hear my sleepy-sexy voice. I love it when you leave everything behind to be with me and wait for a lonely moment to hold me tight. So tight, I hear your heartbeats. I sense your footsteps towards my existence, your longing to get close. Very very close. I love it when you playfully push me to wall, overpowering, and fill my fingers within yours. I so love it when you make my skin go weak, moving your lips down the curves of my neck and shoulders. And your eyes...deep dark eyes.. undress me, even before your hands find their way to hooks of my dress. My heart skips uncountable beats when you throw away your barriers for this moment. When you carry me in your arms to silk sheets, I long for what you are up to next. No, keep dim lights on and let some soft music play. You know I like it that way. I struggle to un-close my eyes, cant miss that look in yours. You look best this way. I wouldn't trade you off for earth beneath or heavens above. And when you search for my crests and troughs..I so love it when you make that exploratory random art on my skin with passion-soaked brushes of lips and hands. You create sizzling splashes on the palette of my senses. Why do you love to see me wild...wilder. And love it when I surrender. Each moment of our togtherness makes it a lifetime. Everytime, I sense you besides me I feel fresh as a daisy, with raindrops above. You touch ignites our love in all its glory. You instill life into my dead soul. And when your love holds your lust in hand, it makes a fatal twosome. I'd say no further and dilute our temptuous, irresistible ecstasy. Its a high of a dozen tequila shots...

Oh..honey, come on now. Wherever you are. Make a move coz you are making me uncontrollably restless. Don't shop for diamonds and delay coz I love your red roses on my bedside. Lets build our little world and cherish it. Lets extract life's intoxicating juices from these ordinary moments slipping by. Lets make a couple of tiny love bundles. Watch them grow. Lets play crazy lovers at every opportunity. Just step in that door & walk straight into my life. Fill me up in your arms. The canvas on my skin is waiting...

that girl, that wanderer...

She pulled her heart for a wash in sudden cold rain

much like 4x4 that rolls out of a muddy ditch

hummingbird calls, embark on another trip. Its autumn.

unseasonal storms; her lovely dark-kohled eyes itch

lazy road. a yellow milestone reads 'go.fly'

carelessly she leans over; watch a car zip by

an abrupt thought - her stare fixed down this dusty, worn stretch

its purple dusk, golden sun begins to set.

that place - she wonders - is it somewhere around
and tired feet move in haste
crumbling against 'flame-of-forest' outside unopened door
put over yours; & her trembling, dry lips 've so much taste

gentle touch wrapped in gush of wind - untangles wild thoughts light

spots a paper-kite dancing in utter delight,

world's ignorant - wind's crazy; it hitched kite for company

no caution, fear. flying together feels just so right - tonight.

unravel, unveil - who's she? your kite or your wind;

until then, I lean over that yellow milestone. that girl, that wanderer...

Is it happening...or....(forget it)

Yeah, seems like an era I met myself. It could have possibly to do with my unpaid occupation of an extravagant thinking, with no annual appraisals in place. Guess its one of those times, when either you have nothing temptuous to disclose, or there is so much that if it were 'food' for thought, it could resemble a vegetable platter, served steaming hot!

So here I am with more of my old new stuff. I've been busy figuring out a way to your eternal 'what next' puzzle. It cajoles me for an overhauling of this thing - ummm - yeah, life. Life that was bumping through several frictional rides for utter lack of 'emotional greasing', and looked a bit rusted here and there. An enchanting everyday mind-jog on a winding green road is making my heart thump, with renewed vigor and vibrancy, with desire of not wanting to stop. Am I not sure what's so substantially worthy, lusty that is making it look different, and exciting at this moment, or maybe I don't want to share? Whatever happened to an internally placid me? I rush, I sing, I smile, I joke, I stare, I fancy, I see whats not. Probably all strong indicators that I am behaving pretty dumb. I am scared. Scared of how I am feeling. And trying not to let it getaway to forefronts of my so freely-spilled 'verbal endeavors'. Is there something I am wanting to look-forward-to? I know the answer. I refuse to accept it. What if it leads someone to receive it at back-foot? No, I don't want to get sucked into that whirlwind again. Maybe, its a safe idea to be a little dishonest. You want to know if dishonesty with self works? I guess not. Yet, I do believe even if we have all been through 'oh-you-don't-know-how-terrible-it-was' in life before, either for our own presumptions or for someone's lack of judgment, we would never get out of that paranoia, if we don't give ourselves yet another chance, yet one more time, with honesty and belief. Not just in yourself but in person across the vision in your eyes. No two people from two opposite ends could meet if they don't walk 'towards' each other. If one moves for belief and other stands still for fear, it looks a tedious journey for one and a taxing, uncertain wait for latter.

While you are still spinning a yarn, can you color it through test conditions and conclude how would it behave? Most likely, not. However, if you focus on its 'in-the-making' process, and what goes into it, there are bright chances of you being content with results. Isn't that how you develop a bond that withstands the rough weather? You need to believe in me, my words, my expressions, intentions, and my subtle clues dropped all over. Let yourself free and it surely leads you to what you unconsciously keep telling yourself to happen. Doubt - and it vanishes into thin air.

Make me believe in you. Assure me. Express to me. Tell me its happening. Negate ambiguity. Every move you make to me gives me courage to take one towards you. Its as if I walk hands-free on the so-slippery edge of an irresistible ardor. All it would take, is a soft push to dive deep and emerge on that opposite shore. Where you are.

Its all possible. To have someone besides, and never know what its all about
                       To be oceans apart; feel it and never doubt
                       To stop for fear; to fail and try again
                       To live in a moment; or die counting your loss and gain
                       To say yet never love; to love and never say
                       Only what you desire comes to you. It all finds a way....

And say that you want me....

I watch snow by my window sill. Its a 'still' night
memories drop one over other, all white.
it makes me weak. dry eyes swell
alone - I'm not well
my soul's tired. just hold me close n tight
touch me; be no longer out of sight
I am not okay. You guess it right,
I pretend otherwise..
as we laugh together, fears subside
its gonna be alright.
tell me so. and that you are making way
let it happen. then make it stay
don't hold back
it wont lack.
the story begins from here, you n me
when you look into my eyes - and say you want me...

Rains....take me away, a secret place..a sweet escape

 

The weather outside has set my mood. For love and romance. While I still wait for the one to share it with, my soul breaks into bits for moments like these. When music is sound of raindrops hitting surfaces, rough & smooth, without discrimination. When trees display green like someone splashed it on, and when chirping birds are what best mornings made of. And I thought this is the best time to talk about things no one, just no one knows about me...Some of it is weird, some of it funny, and maybe a little of it even lovable? But hey, its what makes 'ME'... So would you like to know me as I know myself..Then read on.

1. Music is my food for soul. More so while driving. I often break into a jig (yes) without realizing the world around. When I find people looking at me, that's when I stop. But its my car, so its okay. Right?

2. I can't move my lips while applying lipsticks..you know like left-right-left-right. I just move the lipstick. I'm sure women would know what I'm talking about.

3. While I'm sitting completely idle, I usually look at my hands and feet. Let's call it self-admiration.

4. When in shower, with soap foam on my face and eyes, I always fear I would see a lizard when I open my eyes. It used to be a crocodile when I was a little girl.

5. I spend 'me' time either singing to myself or moon/star gazing and thinking

6. The first thing I do, after my guests leave home, is to set the cushions, couches right. I hate un-orderliness.

7. I am a list-o-holic. I list almost everything. Shopping, banking, pending jobs, bills, statements, and sometimes even questions I might want to pose to someone. Guess, its just being an efficient time manager. I never ever skip my due-dates.

8. While lying down, I tangle up my toes in one another. When bored, I try to walk on my toes in a straight line, in a cat-like fashion.

9. While doing up rooms, I often tend to walk in like an outsider to discover which place would draw attention. 

10. There's a certain way my clothes, cosmetics & perfumes line up my almirah. I can pick up the right stuff even when its pitch dark.

11. I have a penchant for collecting perfume bottles. I never throw them away. 

12. The smell of incense sticks & wet mud are most lovable. I sometimes light incense & close the room so when I enter back, just a faint zing remains.

13. I can NOT sleep with jewelry on.
14. I can not walk barefoot. Hate to get my feet dirty even if the floor is sparkling clean.

15. I always fantasize to marry only when the guy goes down on his knees, either on a beach or in a public place full of people. I hope that happens without my telling him.

16. I love being scolded at times, by close ones (strictly). Sometimes, I purposely do/say things that irk them, to let them enjoy the control. It gives me a sense of love & belonging. Beautiful.

     ..and there's a lot more...(shall I continue this...??)

Random - A life here & there...

I've always been somewhat fascinated by the English/American cinema. These days I am doing a pending, much wanted pass-time of watching movies. Lots of them. The best of it is the subtlety they portray - be it the locales, speech modes, dialogues, or emotions. What I love most is the punch it carries, wrapped smooth. It bowls me over and (you can say I've almost gone berserk for Rob Pattinson after watching Twilight & Remember Me). So freakingly gorgeous. Not just that, he's damn good at his interviews - humble and hilarious, yet classy. Guess, just the mix to make a star. Which he already is. Maybe, my love for their cinema is 'coz nothing about it is routine. Anything that you see daily around you makes it drab indeed. So am kinda done with our stuff - Bollywood. The last I saw was Kites although it still had unrequired yet indispensable mix of songs, dance, and action. But it was a good try. Actually I am not a movie buff to core and neither do I typically write about them. Nonetheless, I like sensible subtle cinema. And all of it leads me to the thought that life in that part of this big world must be experienced. That in no way implies life here is bad, but it certainly has got bore. I desire to add variety - coz I firmly believe it nourishes and enriches personality and one's aspects, perspectives to live life. Traveling is one such vocation course and every chance must be grabbed. While I am not sure when would I be able to grab one and what would take me to it - work or marriage- I would love to do it sooner than later. Sort of get out the parochial set-ups of society and live free for a while. I really don't want to be stuck at one place all of my life. There is so much to see and enjoy, even if you don't completely understand it. Freedom is relaxing. That's not to say I dont have it now. But freedom has different flavors. The expression bit conspicuously misses from our lives here. Even affectionate display is frowned upon. But what about the basic etiquettes that no one thinks about. Pushing people, never queing up anywhere, howling kids in theatre, and virtually every public manner detail. Saying please and thank you doesn't come naturally, only God knows why. Maybe, new money and affluence that has earned rotten heads.

Maybe I am sounding irrelevant here, its important I get it out. I am meeting people for the reason of settling down. And I firmly feel if you've not learnt even basic stuff of how to treat a lady, your degrees and pay packet hardly makes a difference to me. As a woman, it is important to find someone who I can not just love but respect too. And that calls for wisdom, maturity, and sensitivity. Also, I need to see that passion through. Without it, all else is a waste. Though the world around forces me to come out of my fantasy world and compromise..but somewhere my heart holds me back I still believe my kinda love would come by.
 

Correlation: Good judgement & bad experience

Okay..I aint back to make a complaint. But to share an amusing incident in progress. In the backdrop of my current job, I've been semi-actively (not hunting myself rather let my CV on job portals get headhunting firms call me) looking out to get back into the groove. To make things clear, this is my first so far in 8 almost years at an Indian firm after a series of MNCs, and in a completely different industry. From business research & consulting to an IT solutions provider. Things have been okay so far. I mean, its an easy place. Not much work pressure, no harassment, less travel time, flex-timings, and a cordial atmosphere. A peace of mind thing. However, there are stark differences in the organization culture, process handling etc which in foreign firms, are indeed very professional and objective-oriented in nature. Hence, I've been thinking of getting back at what I was best at, and not get comfortable & lazy so early in life.

In what appeared like a very well synchronized occurrence from a divine intervention, I received a mail from an MD&CEO of another small start-up Indian firm (who had had a telecon interview with me last year and  somehow it couldn't materialize into a personal meeting for unknown reasons until I picked up my current job) asking me how was I doing etc and that he was looking for someone in HR&OD. Though my experience is by-far diverse and thick, I did express my interest as I am confident I'll pull it with ease, if the designation and profile suited my future plans to diversify. However, I tried not to appear over-excited and in need thus having him chase me. He did and things started on a fine note. Interestingly, he offered me the title that I genuinely want to get off. Genuinely. Hence, I clarified and convinced him to right effect and he seemed to be okay. He mentioned of a new guy and how he decided to send him to his new London office. Well, I aint the falling for this 'bait'. I got enough to probably holiday there. And already being in well-paid job, I am careful of my next career move. It has to fall in line with my long-term goals. Anyways, so probably he wanted to convince me to accept and I wanted him to be convinced of me not accepting any of it.

After him following up with me for a week, I sent him my CV, which has indeed been termed as 'impressive' by a lot of employers and recruitment firms. Things got strange when a couple of days back, I got a call from his EA (who's a fresher & has been there for just 2 months) asking me to give him a time for a conversation. Obviously, the purpose wasn't clear and I was wondering if he has been given the task of convincing me for his current role. Anyways, I did give him a time and he never bothered to call then. Instead, he gave me a call the next evening citing his grueling schedule. Huh? Excuse me. You are giving a call to a person who's much senior to you in age, experience, and exposure. That's something to be noted and respected. I've recruited many a people at that level. As for my current role, circumstances do go bad at times but that doesn't mean you aren't worth better stuff in life. The most amusing thing was he instead wanted me to come over & meet him at a coffee house on Sunday! I mean 'Are you kidding me?' I declined and asked him to schedule it on Monday morning and choose a place on way to my office so that I can stop over for a chit-chat, if that was his objective. He called me again on Sunday evening and said he couldn't find a decent place and I should rather drop by his office!! Was that some kind of a joke? Its his idea and he is unable to put it into place each time. No planning and time management skills. I know he's a fresher. What pissed me off was his attitude. I was amused & irritated when he responded saying he wont 'allow' me to change his processes!! Beep-Beep-Beep. I thought! What processes? Do they have a process of calling people for coffee for chit-chats? And then he went completely off the line saying he would like to see me in person to be able to 'map' me for different profiles. Bloody hell! He aint either qualified or experienced enough to do that. I told him that - 1st- it was his idea to first telecon & then change it to a personal meeting so its he who's changing processes (if it can be termed so) and not me. 2nd-  I sent my CV to his MD and not to him so I 've no clue how he got involved to establish his immaturity. 3rd - I'm obviously not free as per his moods & conditions and that he must first consult his boss, decide on a formal time, date & venue and email it to me coz that's the right process of taking things in an official fashion. That's the real 'PROCESS'.

As of now, they have not got back to me. If this guy does, I don't think I must take his call. And if his boss does, I'd explain how success should come only after the right exposure and experience or else it does more harm than good to the company. I guess, this guy got on a high just by the mere opportunity of weighing a candidate, by far more qualified and experienced than he himself is, and made a mess of things sounding authoritative. Anyways, if I do meet the boss, do you think I must take up the job even if they offer me a role & title of my choice? I aint keen now for a boss who doesn't give a thought as who should be interacting with whom, is probably not a good decision maker himself? As for the opportunities, I am sure there are plenty if I give it a serious try. I would really welcome reader's thoughts on this post. Its an interesting piece of bad experience. Yes, in progress.

My morning chase...

I was taking a right turn on way to my earning source. My indicator was blinking tirelessly when a guy in a white-four-wheel-set acted a little smart, space invading in between by taking a narrow cut, coming from the wrong side of road! (Well, it ain't news that our traffic police is paid to yawn and expand their protruding bellies.) Obviously, he hit my treasured pride from the side. He adopted to escape the scene swirling his steering towards left, zapping to extreme left end of road. Sped. I wasn't letting him go. No way. Am sure had I performed his 'expert' act, people would've stared at me with just one thought - 'lady driver'! It was the rush hour and traffic was thick. Yet, the chase began...

I put my foot on accelerator and zoomed after him. At the next red light, I pulled my car besides him, rolled down my glass, and asked him to park at side. He didn't budge. A guy - thus, a perpetual *** in making. He sped again. So did this lady. Though my focus was his broken, bad car, I kept my cool. Yet, I was in no mood to let him get away. By now, his manhood seemed to be at stake. Only, he didn't know he was about to be robbed of it in a matter of minutes.

He swiftly diverted his car to the service lane. I took a cut too, pulled the car, and hit the brake pad right in front of his. Yay..I pinned him!!! Roughly a 7 min. chase. He had to get out of the thing called an 'insult' to 4-wheel lovers like me. He had no choice. He started yelling a series of excuses in broken, ill-taught English. I wonder why do people adopt this language when it wants to free itself from such language abusers. His facial expressions: Unrepentant and obviously not sorry. Instead, he made a failed try to scare me by throwing weight around...'I'm so & so's son'...Huh! Who's that?? & Who cares? I told him either he pays up for damage or I'm calling the police. He almost lost it. Finally, he came up with that his mum was in hospital...Phheww. I was sure he was lying but the thought ran...'just in case'. My sensitive instincts played and I let him go.

I was relieved to find only minor scratches. The damage was minor and money was not the question. Yet, he was at fault and could've politely apologized. It was his attitude that irked me bad. Have we, as humans, become so oblivious to everything around us that 'Sorry' is Greek to our behavior. Or is that coz I'm a woman? I'm sure he thought she wouldn't catch me anyway. I witness rash male drivers giving ludicrous stares at women drivers, as if steering wheel in our hands is no less a sin than humming translated Eminem lyrics in Taliban. Why don't they introspect themselves everytime they ridicule a woman? And count how many seconds/minutes have passed since the time their own preposterous driving skills and traffic sense almost killed someone.

This guy I chased is sure going to be feeling low for the rest of day, even if his mum isn't hospitalized. So men, every time, you mock at some woman behind wheels, look at yourself and by-heart a traffic rule book. And if you do still make mistakes, atleast act civilized. Coz guess what...you never know when you brush someone the wrong way, and loose much of your overrated stuff.

I'm sure gonna feel nice (even after those minor lines on my black baby :-) )