mom

She leaves kitchen in a mess and I rarely see her pick a broom. Her almirah is always open until you remind. Clothes scattered. Bottles always look for their caps. She almost never can speak in a low tone. Teaching did that to her, perhaps. Thinks aloud, and constantly thinks. Lying still is just not her thing. When she calls on my cell while at work, she speaks like I’m 4 and she’s 5. Even before I’ve said bye, she has already hung up. If it were not for contemporary taste, our house would just have picture of Gods and grandparents. Whenever she is free, she prays. Virtually every corner would have incense burning during evening. She has a new ache every day somewhere in her body. A foot massage is her sleep tonic. Yet, parlours don’t see her except for an occasional provocation. Every time she sees a wedding, she waits for my groom. Like, all men have lost it if they can’t find my address.

She is not a cooking freak. Even if I’m in no mood to eat, she’d still cook. Her favourite nuts in hand would be stuffed in my mouth whilst she intended to munch on them. She’s always looking for her reading glasses and slippers. She has seen few and far comforts, yet our complains is all she wants to mitigates. Yet she smiles. I am a riot without her. She keeps me strong and sane and hopeful. She is frail but makes me believe in self. Her being is what can fight Hercules alone. Her optimism is infectious. Her strength unflinching. Her energy constant. She is much more than words can fit.

The kitchen is in a mess again today. But you know what, Mom? It’s alright. It’s perfect.

Just as you.Forgets details and repeats the trifle. She is so full of flaws. I am so irked. I simply dislike her ways. At times, I just shout and argue. She is getting old. Maybe I chose to ignore that on purpose. I don’t want the next thought to invade. Her energy is depleting but she continues to go about her day like she always did. Memory evades her as she struggles to recall the name of the guy I updated her atleast twice yesterday. In all the mundane madness, she has forgotten that her body needs rest. Her stuff remains in mess as she is busy getting our lives in order. Her child-like voice is, but an attempt to hide her fears. Despite everything, she looks for miracles, and that they’d happen. The woman who got lost in marriage and kids has forgotten what her own dreams were. All that exists for her is us. Our well-being is what she keeps asking in her prayers all the time to all the Gods in all those corners. Her voice cracks often when I hug her just like that. I argue about how she couldn’t use her life to the fullest. There was so much to do. So much to learn. 

As I sit down at a wee hour to give this a silent thought, I realize she has been living through me and everyone else all these years. She has been perfect with all those flaws, for mine are much more and growing. Her life is a struggle that seems unending. 

Free

I’ve been feeling this way and I won’t lie

Is it immoral or selfish I don’t have a clue

It’s been long I’ve been there for you

As you were for me

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

Maybe I’ll miss you when I am far

I’ll be sorry for being harsh

Knowing I’ve put you through rough times

I had mine, you know too

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

Times I wonder what happened to all the love between us

Perhaps some distance may restore what we lost

Perhaps life just slipped in all the fuss

Funny we chased each other’s dreams, then blamed amongst

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

I’d love you while I’m away

miss your voice I couldn’t notice; advice I didn’t obey

Perhaps ‘twas all worth the hardships we faced

Memories of togetherness are what will remain of this time

I’ve a feeling - I’ll look back and cry

And ‘it’d all make sense someday

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

I know you’re hurt, I know you’d forgive me yet

Its strange in so many years, we haven’t ‘met’

And we mustn’t loose our only chance

It’ll lead to a whole new meaning, I have a feeling

Trust me it won’t be bad

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

We got one life n time’s running out

I’ve yet to find myself, to be yours in a better way

Or maybe still choose to keep away

Whatever I do, wherever am I

I’d always love you, that’s no lie;  

But now it’s got too much, and I want to break free

The Psychology of Lame Networking

Why anything that doesn’t make it to your Facebook wall appears an achievement gone waste, happiness incomplete and a moment understated? Why everything, however trifle, has to be shouted to an entire world, when honestly no one cares who you are. Is it shallow need for recognition from the clan who are equally needy of it from you? While some use it as a brilliant platform for awareness and meaningful causes, with of course very rare successful ones; a majority is here for gimmick. The people who drive lame networking. Useless yet irresistible.

Why have we become so un-thoughtful to taking joy in our private moments? Why what you do in your bedroom has to be known by everyone? Whatever happened to the beauty of silence and unsaid expressions? Who is interested in knowing where you are having your dinner, which spa you rejuvenated at or what your spouse got on your birthday. What happened to your favourite dress or which perfume brand you love. Many would wonder if you really have it in your wardrobe. It’s hilarious to notice how even appreciation happens on a very intricate calculation of giving and receiving. Why have we stopped enjoying our real surroundings? Real companies? Real conversations? Real admiration? Have we simply become oblivious to all those? Or we are scared of not being heard in our real world? For, we have nothing noteworthy to say and there’s nothing noticeable in our everyday nonsense or rare fancy stuff? There are several who would come to defence and cry about not knowing joys of sharing. But I strongly disagree, for sharing is an intangible joy. It can’t be measured in any amount of likes or comments or whatever other funny metrics used to measure our e-happiness. What has led us to this stage? When a virtual page has become our only source of being noticed?

In the fast paced life, demanding workplaces, hard to resist distractions, and growing discords at home, touchscreens awkwardly help us find time to do lame talk. Anytime. Anywhere. Because we desperately seek an opinion on everything we do or say. Otherwise nothing seems to make sense. When unnoticed, we question our own thoughts and expressions. Seeking attention becomes our goal instead of a by-product. The whole idea of networking aggressively continuously is a dangerous instrument for beating sciamachy. That of loneliness. Human touch pushed to the side by invasive virtual reality which provides an illusionary comfort of company, when in reality none exists. Everyone wants to talk and everyone wants to be heard. Ironically, there are no listeners. And definitely no quality listeners. Time, the only resource of your being and existence - is relentlessly spent on establishing a disconnection. Voyeurism of our very own journey. That, when it has very little to offer if we don’t have a purpose of life in it. Not everyone follows the herd mentality and perhaps, that is the saving grace. There are few who have a thought that is both meaningful and novel which could compel you to notice, ponder and practice. It could be an idea or an experience or a problem. And that is where reaching out makes a lot of sense. Someone could get better at something. Someone faceless can take up a chance to be heard or known. Albeit for a forgettable thing, which mostly is the case. Yet, I’d prefer it to be a real one that gives you an opportunity to make a contact for real. Eye to eye, voice to voice, heart to heart and mind to mind.

Take a step back and give yourself that opportunity again. That is the only bit that separates humans from machines. The power to feel, touch and emote them with a twinkle in your eye. Don’t let robots overtake the beauty of it all. Update your goals, not statuses – which are again mostly stolen. Refresh your outlook in life, not pages. Enjoy your time. Enjoy your silence. Enjoy yourself. Take time out for the real world. Observe. People, places, and mundane. Relish it. Learn or ignore but take the chance to make that choice. Next time when you are walking down the street, look up and look around. Keep your eyes off that phone. For the screen you are on - in this world is far bigger, with a brighter display and a resolution to die for. Why settle for small stuff?

I - Define

I'm
Spring. Touch me
Hope. Take my hand
Trust. Keep walking
Strength. Don't fear
Excitement. Just enjoy
Beauty. Look around
Silly. Smile often
Tender. Handle fragile
Simple. Explore slow
Love. Feel within
Eternity. Fall free
                            Made for you..
                                                                  a woman

Paintings on my skin....

I really don't know if I must reveal my secret sensual longings to an entire world. I am pretty old-fashioned and reticent, on things so personal. Guess its about telling things to myself, and not as much about you reading it. So I must go on...The moment screams to uncork. (Or maybe I'm a plain idiot). I smile to myself. I am anonymous. Advantage point??

In the backdrop...people crossed my path. Hammered my heart into a billion pieces. So many years. Many confessions of undying love only to reveal a mutilated corpse of vain, unkept promises, and crushed trust. I shattered like a glass-sky let loose. Cried for nights in a row. I walked like dead, over many days..so many seasons, fearing more hurt. Those weren't the kinds I desired and deserved. I did not curse for, people who don't value love and companionship must better be forgiven. They are already underprivileged.

My life beats for the one who'd stay by my side until I die. You, my yet-to-happen man. I long for you. I'm sure you'd cross every obstacle to make me your princess. You wont give me excuses of us being any other way, coz you know this way is the right way. Maybe I must want you hard? Pray harder?? I don't know the when-how-why's of our story. But I've faith you'll be reading me, wherever you are. Some part of this not-so-big world. Some city. Some office. Some place. Maybe you're sipping some hot coffee. Relaxing at a party. Some outing. Or a movie. I don't know. But I know, you'll be wanting me. Exactly like I'm thinking now....I love every bit of you just as you do. You are there for me when I need you the most. You love me the way I am. Your witty nothings make me laugh at odd times. You support my dreams in life. Your embrace reaffirms my belief in self when I am down. With the pillow of your arm under my head, I sleep like a baby. You long for me when I am not around. You make me feel so beautiful by that stolen glance from corner of your eyes, while reading your newspaper. You tickle my senses when your fingers tuck my carefree locks behind my ears. You make me your best friend when you confess cozy, curious desires in a naughty smile. I've no idea of where you've been hiding. Why aren't you here with me. But I know, someday..someway...we'll be together baby. Don't let me down.

You are the love of my life. I love it when you call me early mornings and say you did it to hear my sleepy-sexy voice. I love it when you leave everything behind to be with me and wait for a lonely moment to hold me tight. So tight, I hear your heartbeats. I sense your footsteps towards my existence, your longing to get close. Very very close. I love it when you playfully push me to wall, overpowering, and fill my fingers within yours. I so love it when you make my skin go weak, moving your lips down the curves of my neck and shoulders. And your eyes...deep dark eyes.. undress me, even before your hands find their way to hooks of my dress. My heart skips uncountable beats when you throw away your barriers for this moment. When you carry me in your arms to silk sheets, I long for what you are up to next. No, keep dim lights on and let some soft music play. You know I like it that way. I struggle to un-close my eyes, cant miss that look in yours. You look best this way. I wouldn't trade you off for earth beneath or heavens above. And when you search for my crests and troughs..I so love it when you make that exploratory random art on my skin with passion-soaked brushes of lips and hands. You create sizzling splashes on the palette of my senses. Why do you love to see me wild...wilder. And love it when I surrender. Each moment of our togtherness makes it a lifetime. Everytime, I sense you besides me I feel fresh as a daisy, with raindrops above. You touch ignites our love in all its glory. You instill life into my dead soul. And when your love holds your lust in hand, it makes a fatal twosome. I'd say no further and dilute our temptuous, irresistible ecstasy. Its a high of a dozen tequila shots...

Oh..honey, come on now. Wherever you are. Make a move coz you are making me uncontrollably restless. Don't shop for diamonds and delay coz I love your red roses on my bedside. Lets build our little world and cherish it. Lets extract life's intoxicating juices from these ordinary moments slipping by. Lets make a couple of tiny love bundles. Watch them grow. Lets play crazy lovers at every opportunity. Just step in that door & walk straight into my life. Fill me up in your arms. The canvas on my skin is waiting...

that girl, that wanderer...

She pulled her heart for a wash in sudden cold rain

much like 4x4 that rolls out of a muddy ditch

hummingbird calls, embark on another trip. Its autumn.

unseasonal storms; her lovely dark-kohled eyes itch

lazy road. a yellow milestone reads 'go.fly'

carelessly she leans over; watch a car zip by

an abrupt thought - her stare fixed down this dusty, worn stretch

its purple dusk, golden sun begins to set.

that place - she wonders - is it somewhere around
and tired feet move in haste
crumbling against 'flame-of-forest' outside unopened door
put over yours; & her trembling, dry lips 've so much taste

gentle touch wrapped in gush of wind - untangles wild thoughts light

spots a paper-kite dancing in utter delight,

world's ignorant - wind's crazy; it hitched kite for company

no caution, fear. flying together feels just so right - tonight.

unravel, unveil - who's she? your kite or your wind;

until then, I lean over that yellow milestone. that girl, that wanderer...

Is it happening...or....(forget it)

Yeah, seems like an era I met myself. It could have possibly to do with my unpaid occupation of an extravagant thinking, with no annual appraisals in place. Guess its one of those times, when either you have nothing temptuous to disclose, or there is so much that if it were 'food' for thought, it could resemble a vegetable platter, served steaming hot!

So here I am with more of my old new stuff. I've been busy figuring out a way to your eternal 'what next' puzzle. It cajoles me for an overhauling of this thing - ummm - yeah, life. Life that was bumping through several frictional rides for utter lack of 'emotional greasing', and looked a bit rusted here and there. An enchanting everyday mind-jog on a winding green road is making my heart thump, with renewed vigor and vibrancy, with desire of not wanting to stop. Am I not sure what's so substantially worthy, lusty that is making it look different, and exciting at this moment, or maybe I don't want to share? Whatever happened to an internally placid me? I rush, I sing, I smile, I joke, I stare, I fancy, I see whats not. Probably all strong indicators that I am behaving pretty dumb. I am scared. Scared of how I am feeling. And trying not to let it getaway to forefronts of my so freely-spilled 'verbal endeavors'. Is there something I am wanting to look-forward-to? I know the answer. I refuse to accept it. What if it leads someone to receive it at back-foot? No, I don't want to get sucked into that whirlwind again. Maybe, its a safe idea to be a little dishonest. You want to know if dishonesty with self works? I guess not. Yet, I do believe even if we have all been through 'oh-you-don't-know-how-terrible-it-was' in life before, either for our own presumptions or for someone's lack of judgment, we would never get out of that paranoia, if we don't give ourselves yet another chance, yet one more time, with honesty and belief. Not just in yourself but in person across the vision in your eyes. No two people from two opposite ends could meet if they don't walk 'towards' each other. If one moves for belief and other stands still for fear, it looks a tedious journey for one and a taxing, uncertain wait for latter.

While you are still spinning a yarn, can you color it through test conditions and conclude how would it behave? Most likely, not. However, if you focus on its 'in-the-making' process, and what goes into it, there are bright chances of you being content with results. Isn't that how you develop a bond that withstands the rough weather? You need to believe in me, my words, my expressions, intentions, and my subtle clues dropped all over. Let yourself free and it surely leads you to what you unconsciously keep telling yourself to happen. Doubt - and it vanishes into thin air.

Make me believe in you. Assure me. Express to me. Tell me its happening. Negate ambiguity. Every move you make to me gives me courage to take one towards you. Its as if I walk hands-free on the so-slippery edge of an irresistible ardor. All it would take, is a soft push to dive deep and emerge on that opposite shore. Where you are.

Its all possible. To have someone besides, and never know what its all about
                       To be oceans apart; feel it and never doubt
                       To stop for fear; to fail and try again
                       To live in a moment; or die counting your loss and gain
                       To say yet never love; to love and never say
                       Only what you desire comes to you. It all finds a way....

And say that you want me....

I watch snow by my window sill. Its a 'still' night
memories drop one over other, all white.
it makes me weak. dry eyes swell
alone - I'm not well
my soul's tired. just hold me close n tight
touch me; be no longer out of sight
I am not okay. You guess it right,
I pretend otherwise..
as we laugh together, fears subside
its gonna be alright.
tell me so. and that you are making way
let it happen. then make it stay
don't hold back
it wont lack.
the story begins from here, you n me
when you look into my eyes - and say you want me...

background noises...

I don't want to pray to God to answer my stuff; it never works.
I don't want to be working at my current job; its time for the big leap.
I don't want to stay in this city anymore; but hell...nothing else is making way.
I don't want to see everyone falling in love -getting married - having babies; i feel jealous.
I don't want to chase on slippery edges; not more wounds to nurse.
I don't want to be nice to people; be blunt - just as they 've been.
I don't want to be told how good I am; it sounds too fake. 

I don't want to make compromises coz time is running away. Who's doing that for me?
I don't want to be funny and make you smile all the time; it doesn't get you any closer.
I don't want to be convinced on how you think it should be; it makes no sense.
I don't want to be there anymore for you when you desire
I don't want to make you feel important; I don't matter to you.
I don't want to listen to your stories anymore; don't want to share mine either. Its useless.
I don't want to prove anything. Like you 'are'. so I 'am'.
I don't want lollipops; I am not 16.
I don't want platonic nonsense; I am not 60.
I don't want anything less than love.
....for everything else, they made a master card.

& they say all's well in the end....?

A glance in full-length mirror

some final touch

I'm ready to smile, face another day

zipping through mad traffic

halt at red light

a flash through my mind

no signs...of someone

life eluded me again,,clever

And now am back to a dark room
On tv, they talk of rains, romance 
I must listen to some news.

yet another day 

closer to an end

No, its not what I'm scared of

Dont desire to end alone...

& so I paused...

Everyone tells me they move on. The world moves on. Sometimes it moves on quick, very quick. For life is beautiful.
I reflect, if I move on - how am I to know who you are? Isn't that why you're moving on? Isn't that why we all are? Uncanny.
And if you move on - and move on fast - as you insist; how are you to know what is coming your way. What came your way? For, you just move on.
Then you come back. And, you keep coming back. You never realize. You never admit. That's alright - I tell myself. Let me listen once more what you got to say. And all you say is - you move on.

So move on. For, if I move on - you wont find me standing where you reach every time you move on.

Give me a moment please...Oh look what I found: Is that Me......??

Good men, women still believe, are always protective of them. There's an old world, eternal charm to it. A new lover of his girl, a husband of his wife, a brother of his sister, and dads of their little daughters - who perhaps are 'little' forever. To be taken care of is such a beautiful feeling. That's no secret. Our historical preview clearly depicts the men as hunters and providers, while women nurtured life at home. That home reflected her presence in every corner, in its very scent.

Today's times are changing. Women compete alongside men in every single aspect. They multi-task outside home while men convincingly do their domestic bit. Modern men seem to have a consistently growing admiration of us - the modern day women. The outgoing, smart, self-made, and ready-to-take-on-anything woman. I might be an exception to say that while I am proud I am one of so called gen-next woman, am I steadily and reluctantly receding from old beautiful joys of being a woman. Is it normal and acceptable to be wanting an opportunity to be all woman - subtle, sensual, spirited. Or is it a psychological anomaly?? To reckon with the old school of relationships that's mocked away in bemusement. Is it not anymore charming to to give in and go with the flow to absorb togetherness. Or are we fighting so hard to prove everyone otherwise that we wont even stop to analyze if we're liking it at all?. It seems for-granted 'coz its for-granted we don't need this one. Is chivalry no more the 'man' thing? Has having a partner who worries about you when he/she away become 'space-invasion'? A 100% 'WE' is made of 50% 'you' and 50% 'me'. No more, and better not less? Its all about good calculations. I can't really say how comfortable am I with this 'don't mess with me' or 'be damned' kind of trend. Maybe, we do it coz any other way could be fatal. You know, trust today is like seeking virginity in a brothel. Decoding mangled modernity.

There is a man who, for me, personifies love and tender care. My dad. I did not have the privilege of a brother's affection or a lover's protection. It was only dad. When I was young, he would help me with homework, take me school, fetch me to playgrounds, and panic endlessly when I was late. Wherever I was, he would make sure, I was safe and back home before dark. If my mum ever got late to get me back from a friend's place, she was prepared to be at receiving end. When I ever hurt myself, my dad would rush me to the doctor like world would end. There weren't any boys in my home. Yet I had sports equipment that included cricket bat, hockey, football, tennis and badminton rackets. (I just liked badminton, though). I had one favorite doll that was a beautiful thing and very treasured. He never bought me a kitchen-set ever. And when my mum insisted on getting one to shape my domestic skills, my dad refused. He said I would cook well anyways, when I get married. He never really enjoyed see me doing tasks. There were times when he was strict on studies but he, and mum, made sure I always get to do what I love. Whatever it be - music, painting, writing, debates, poetry, clay-art. I tried most of it, and rather well. I chose a dynamic 'Street-Cat' bicycle instead of the girly 'Ladybird'. Everything about my likes and dislikes displayed my confident, free-spirit side.  I had my full share of freedom but taught why and how not to abuse it. Yet, I never parted with my soft, vulnerable self.

If I carefully ponder over that life gone by, I can precisely understand why I am what I am. A very strong personality. You wont miss that. I've been nurtured that way - to be strong and carry out life with self-sufficiency. And I certainly do - banking, grocery, shopping, maintenance, budgeting, investments, planning, car repairs, and everything you need to keep life going these days, sans support. Spend time with me and you break-through that often misinterpreted image. I am strikingly opposite. The only man well-versed with this fact is dad. Now, my tough dad has aged....Still protective, his presence is like a subtle realization that there's none other than him to make me feel protected and cared for. Times, throughout and often, I desire someone else to make me feel as special. And my old, yet strong, father can recline and relax. When he wont have to call me 7p.m. sharp to find out how many more minutes to make it home. When he wont have to loose his sleep over who would look after his darling daughters when he ages further. When he, who never ever expressed his moments of pain and anguish openly, wont have his gentle eyes swell up red with tears, about to roll down his now wrinkled face. And maybe, when I wont have be strong and scuttle everywhere to run my life. When I'm allowed to be weak. I am allowed to be vulnerable without fear of being exploited . When I could let my guards down permanently. When my confident, intimidating outer-self can safely give way to reveal the real me - a lovable, simple and carefree 'me'. A 'me' who cries and sobs when hurt, a 'me' who is scared to sleep alone after watching horror movies, a 'me' who wants to sit on seat next to the driver's , a 'me' who wants to be consoled and pacified, a 'me' who wants to be taken in cover of arms like it'll all be fine. Just so.

Dad, a man who has taken care of not one but four women. His wife and three daughters. And does it with elan. Now, three fine men for three of us. Perhaps. The men who would respect you and mum for what you would gift them as their wives, companions, friends - your daughters. Everything else would be trifle. Those who would cherish us - the wonderfully brought up girls. Your girls.

So dad, when your old hands tremble to prevent me fall and hurt myself, do not worry. Be sure life would offer me a solid grip of someone who takes over from there. A complete man. Sincere, protective, lovable. Just as you have been.

"....and today strong winds won't douse that flickering flame,
not coz it knows to fight 'em, but coz your hands give it a cover..."

Rains....take me away, a secret place..a sweet escape

 

The weather outside has set my mood. For love and romance. While I still wait for the one to share it with, my soul breaks into bits for moments like these. When music is sound of raindrops hitting surfaces, rough & smooth, without discrimination. When trees display green like someone splashed it on, and when chirping birds are what best mornings made of. And I thought this is the best time to talk about things no one, just no one knows about me...Some of it is weird, some of it funny, and maybe a little of it even lovable? But hey, its what makes 'ME'... So would you like to know me as I know myself..Then read on.

1. Music is my food for soul. More so while driving. I often break into a jig (yes) without realizing the world around. When I find people looking at me, that's when I stop. But its my car, so its okay. Right?

2. I can't move my lips while applying lipsticks..you know like left-right-left-right. I just move the lipstick. I'm sure women would know what I'm talking about.

3. While I'm sitting completely idle, I usually look at my hands and feet. Let's call it self-admiration.

4. When in shower, with soap foam on my face and eyes, I always fear I would see a lizard when I open my eyes. It used to be a crocodile when I was a little girl.

5. I spend 'me' time either singing to myself or moon/star gazing and thinking

6. The first thing I do, after my guests leave home, is to set the cushions, couches right. I hate un-orderliness.

7. I am a list-o-holic. I list almost everything. Shopping, banking, pending jobs, bills, statements, and sometimes even questions I might want to pose to someone. Guess, its just being an efficient time manager. I never ever skip my due-dates.

8. While lying down, I tangle up my toes in one another. When bored, I try to walk on my toes in a straight line, in a cat-like fashion.

9. While doing up rooms, I often tend to walk in like an outsider to discover which place would draw attention. 

10. There's a certain way my clothes, cosmetics & perfumes line up my almirah. I can pick up the right stuff even when its pitch dark.

11. I have a penchant for collecting perfume bottles. I never throw them away. 

12. The smell of incense sticks & wet mud are most lovable. I sometimes light incense & close the room so when I enter back, just a faint zing remains.

13. I can NOT sleep with jewelry on.
14. I can not walk barefoot. Hate to get my feet dirty even if the floor is sparkling clean.

15. I always fantasize to marry only when the guy goes down on his knees, either on a beach or in a public place full of people. I hope that happens without my telling him.

16. I love being scolded at times, by close ones (strictly). Sometimes, I purposely do/say things that irk them, to let them enjoy the control. It gives me a sense of love & belonging. Beautiful.

     ..and there's a lot more...(shall I continue this...??)

Random - A life here & there...

I've always been somewhat fascinated by the English/American cinema. These days I am doing a pending, much wanted pass-time of watching movies. Lots of them. The best of it is the subtlety they portray - be it the locales, speech modes, dialogues, or emotions. What I love most is the punch it carries, wrapped smooth. It bowls me over and (you can say I've almost gone berserk for Rob Pattinson after watching Twilight & Remember Me). So freakingly gorgeous. Not just that, he's damn good at his interviews - humble and hilarious, yet classy. Guess, just the mix to make a star. Which he already is. Maybe, my love for their cinema is 'coz nothing about it is routine. Anything that you see daily around you makes it drab indeed. So am kinda done with our stuff - Bollywood. The last I saw was Kites although it still had unrequired yet indispensable mix of songs, dance, and action. But it was a good try. Actually I am not a movie buff to core and neither do I typically write about them. Nonetheless, I like sensible subtle cinema. And all of it leads me to the thought that life in that part of this big world must be experienced. That in no way implies life here is bad, but it certainly has got bore. I desire to add variety - coz I firmly believe it nourishes and enriches personality and one's aspects, perspectives to live life. Traveling is one such vocation course and every chance must be grabbed. While I am not sure when would I be able to grab one and what would take me to it - work or marriage- I would love to do it sooner than later. Sort of get out the parochial set-ups of society and live free for a while. I really don't want to be stuck at one place all of my life. There is so much to see and enjoy, even if you don't completely understand it. Freedom is relaxing. That's not to say I dont have it now. But freedom has different flavors. The expression bit conspicuously misses from our lives here. Even affectionate display is frowned upon. But what about the basic etiquettes that no one thinks about. Pushing people, never queing up anywhere, howling kids in theatre, and virtually every public manner detail. Saying please and thank you doesn't come naturally, only God knows why. Maybe, new money and affluence that has earned rotten heads.

Maybe I am sounding irrelevant here, its important I get it out. I am meeting people for the reason of settling down. And I firmly feel if you've not learnt even basic stuff of how to treat a lady, your degrees and pay packet hardly makes a difference to me. As a woman, it is important to find someone who I can not just love but respect too. And that calls for wisdom, maturity, and sensitivity. Also, I need to see that passion through. Without it, all else is a waste. Though the world around forces me to come out of my fantasy world and compromise..but somewhere my heart holds me back I still believe my kinda love would come by.
 

Correlation: Good judgement & bad experience

Okay..I aint back to make a complaint. But to share an amusing incident in progress. In the backdrop of my current job, I've been semi-actively (not hunting myself rather let my CV on job portals get headhunting firms call me) looking out to get back into the groove. To make things clear, this is my first so far in 8 almost years at an Indian firm after a series of MNCs, and in a completely different industry. From business research & consulting to an IT solutions provider. Things have been okay so far. I mean, its an easy place. Not much work pressure, no harassment, less travel time, flex-timings, and a cordial atmosphere. A peace of mind thing. However, there are stark differences in the organization culture, process handling etc which in foreign firms, are indeed very professional and objective-oriented in nature. Hence, I've been thinking of getting back at what I was best at, and not get comfortable & lazy so early in life.

In what appeared like a very well synchronized occurrence from a divine intervention, I received a mail from an MD&CEO of another small start-up Indian firm (who had had a telecon interview with me last year and  somehow it couldn't materialize into a personal meeting for unknown reasons until I picked up my current job) asking me how was I doing etc and that he was looking for someone in HR&OD. Though my experience is by-far diverse and thick, I did express my interest as I am confident I'll pull it with ease, if the designation and profile suited my future plans to diversify. However, I tried not to appear over-excited and in need thus having him chase me. He did and things started on a fine note. Interestingly, he offered me the title that I genuinely want to get off. Genuinely. Hence, I clarified and convinced him to right effect and he seemed to be okay. He mentioned of a new guy and how he decided to send him to his new London office. Well, I aint the falling for this 'bait'. I got enough to probably holiday there. And already being in well-paid job, I am careful of my next career move. It has to fall in line with my long-term goals. Anyways, so probably he wanted to convince me to accept and I wanted him to be convinced of me not accepting any of it.

After him following up with me for a week, I sent him my CV, which has indeed been termed as 'impressive' by a lot of employers and recruitment firms. Things got strange when a couple of days back, I got a call from his EA (who's a fresher & has been there for just 2 months) asking me to give him a time for a conversation. Obviously, the purpose wasn't clear and I was wondering if he has been given the task of convincing me for his current role. Anyways, I did give him a time and he never bothered to call then. Instead, he gave me a call the next evening citing his grueling schedule. Huh? Excuse me. You are giving a call to a person who's much senior to you in age, experience, and exposure. That's something to be noted and respected. I've recruited many a people at that level. As for my current role, circumstances do go bad at times but that doesn't mean you aren't worth better stuff in life. The most amusing thing was he instead wanted me to come over & meet him at a coffee house on Sunday! I mean 'Are you kidding me?' I declined and asked him to schedule it on Monday morning and choose a place on way to my office so that I can stop over for a chit-chat, if that was his objective. He called me again on Sunday evening and said he couldn't find a decent place and I should rather drop by his office!! Was that some kind of a joke? Its his idea and he is unable to put it into place each time. No planning and time management skills. I know he's a fresher. What pissed me off was his attitude. I was amused & irritated when he responded saying he wont 'allow' me to change his processes!! Beep-Beep-Beep. I thought! What processes? Do they have a process of calling people for coffee for chit-chats? And then he went completely off the line saying he would like to see me in person to be able to 'map' me for different profiles. Bloody hell! He aint either qualified or experienced enough to do that. I told him that - 1st- it was his idea to first telecon & then change it to a personal meeting so its he who's changing processes (if it can be termed so) and not me. 2nd-  I sent my CV to his MD and not to him so I 've no clue how he got involved to establish his immaturity. 3rd - I'm obviously not free as per his moods & conditions and that he must first consult his boss, decide on a formal time, date & venue and email it to me coz that's the right process of taking things in an official fashion. That's the real 'PROCESS'.

As of now, they have not got back to me. If this guy does, I don't think I must take his call. And if his boss does, I'd explain how success should come only after the right exposure and experience or else it does more harm than good to the company. I guess, this guy got on a high just by the mere opportunity of weighing a candidate, by far more qualified and experienced than he himself is, and made a mess of things sounding authoritative. Anyways, if I do meet the boss, do you think I must take up the job even if they offer me a role & title of my choice? I aint keen now for a boss who doesn't give a thought as who should be interacting with whom, is probably not a good decision maker himself? As for the opportunities, I am sure there are plenty if I give it a serious try. I would really welcome reader's thoughts on this post. Its an interesting piece of bad experience. Yes, in progress.

My morning chase...

I was taking a right turn on way to my earning source. My indicator was blinking tirelessly when a guy in a white-four-wheel-set acted a little smart, space invading in between by taking a narrow cut, coming from the wrong side of road! (Well, it ain't news that our traffic police is paid to yawn and expand their protruding bellies.) Obviously, he hit my treasured pride from the side. He adopted to escape the scene swirling his steering towards left, zapping to extreme left end of road. Sped. I wasn't letting him go. No way. Am sure had I performed his 'expert' act, people would've stared at me with just one thought - 'lady driver'! It was the rush hour and traffic was thick. Yet, the chase began...

I put my foot on accelerator and zoomed after him. At the next red light, I pulled my car besides him, rolled down my glass, and asked him to park at side. He didn't budge. A guy - thus, a perpetual *** in making. He sped again. So did this lady. Though my focus was his broken, bad car, I kept my cool. Yet, I was in no mood to let him get away. By now, his manhood seemed to be at stake. Only, he didn't know he was about to be robbed of it in a matter of minutes.

He swiftly diverted his car to the service lane. I took a cut too, pulled the car, and hit the brake pad right in front of his. Yay..I pinned him!!! Roughly a 7 min. chase. He had to get out of the thing called an 'insult' to 4-wheel lovers like me. He had no choice. He started yelling a series of excuses in broken, ill-taught English. I wonder why do people adopt this language when it wants to free itself from such language abusers. His facial expressions: Unrepentant and obviously not sorry. Instead, he made a failed try to scare me by throwing weight around...'I'm so & so's son'...Huh! Who's that?? & Who cares? I told him either he pays up for damage or I'm calling the police. He almost lost it. Finally, he came up with that his mum was in hospital...Phheww. I was sure he was lying but the thought ran...'just in case'. My sensitive instincts played and I let him go.

I was relieved to find only minor scratches. The damage was minor and money was not the question. Yet, he was at fault and could've politely apologized. It was his attitude that irked me bad. Have we, as humans, become so oblivious to everything around us that 'Sorry' is Greek to our behavior. Or is that coz I'm a woman? I'm sure he thought she wouldn't catch me anyway. I witness rash male drivers giving ludicrous stares at women drivers, as if steering wheel in our hands is no less a sin than humming translated Eminem lyrics in Taliban. Why don't they introspect themselves everytime they ridicule a woman? And count how many seconds/minutes have passed since the time their own preposterous driving skills and traffic sense almost killed someone.

This guy I chased is sure going to be feeling low for the rest of day, even if his mum isn't hospitalized. So men, every time, you mock at some woman behind wheels, look at yourself and by-heart a traffic rule book. And if you do still make mistakes, atleast act civilized. Coz guess what...you never know when you brush someone the wrong way, and loose much of your overrated stuff.

I'm sure gonna feel nice (even after those minor lines on my black baby :-) )

Start now > keep in progress> never stop: Attitude for Gratitude

I've been feeling a definite distaste in my life for quite sometime. I'm sure I crib a lot and my blogs reflect the same mood. Why do I have complaints, disgust, and anger brimming in my head all the time? It aint nice. Is my life really that bad or is that what I've forced myself into believing. There are countless souls who are in much more terrible state and are abysmally distraught than I am. I watch it on TV and read in papers all time. Then why do I complain so often about everything...right from my workplace to the lack of right pair of shoes to match my dress. Guess everything looks pathetic coz that's the way I think all the time. Recently, I read an article on 'Law of Attraction' that emphasizes on how you attract whatever you keep thinking about. Maybe nothing in my world goes right coz I focus on 'I dont want this' rather than 'I want this. I want this' all the time. Every single time.

Starting today, I make a practice to stop complaining and express gratitude which has been virtually non-existent until now, atleast consciously. I list things that I'm truly blessed to have and experience in my life so far...

1. Wonderful family: I absolutely love my parents and siblings for the unconditional love & support that they've offered and continue to do so each day. They've rejoiced my successes, felt my failures, and inspired me until I got up. I pray that every child is blessed with a family like that.

2. Amazing childhood: Cant thank God enough for wonderful, cherishable childhood I witnessed. Coming from a middle-class background, I was almost brought-up like a princess. In days when only rarely, people understood photography, I've albums full of those wonderful times, when my mum dressed me up & my dad took us to beautiful gardens on Sundays and shoot us in every mood. The best thing? They still continue to treat me like a princess...!

3. Great Education: I received my education from the best schools in my city. The BEST. I was the 1st in my neighborhood to get admission in that one. The rest followed. Everything I am today, I owe it to that place and people who got me there - Mum & Dad. I loved my school. Red-bricked architecture amidst beautiful, serene locale lined with eucalyptuses, rose gardens, & pansies. My love for nature began in those premises. Nostalgia...

4. Polished Persona: I'm of the fortunate few who received a lot of admiration from people around me- Parents, teachers, friends. Each of them had an influence that shaped the person I am today, inspiring me in their own little ways. Unearthed a singer, writer, orator, painter, while being equally fine in academics. I owe a big thank- you to you all wherever you are. 

5. Steer through crisis: Like almost everyone, we suffered huge huge crisis. Financial setbacks leading to emotional and mental turmoils. I now realize - it was a lesson in disguise. Its worth appreciating how my studies continued without a break. I secured scholarship for 2 yr straight during my Masters. It was meager yet significant. Yes, I didn't have enough to buy books and good clothes but I managed with a good library. I also learnt the word 'management' in its truest sense that geared me up for tougher times. Today I'm confident, I'll able to steer myself and my loved ones when I've 200 bucks while I work to get 2000. I'd manage. 

6. A place on dais of life: When I moved to a metro to establish myself, I had virtually nothing. As I'm writing this, I want to apologize for overlooking where life has got me today. I live in most plush locality with most comforts required. I drive a sedan of my own. I can afford labels I desire. My closet is full. My forgotten friends might be having a more luxurious life and exotic holidaying with hubbies, but none got this far on their own. Most have 'acquired' those through a 'merger' called 'marriage'. Shouldn't I be proud of myself? 

7. Bettering after setbacks: Life hasn't been easy. Its easy for none. Today, I see the goodness of it not having worked out. Its PAST. So I wait for best that's yet to come. 

8. Good food on my table each day must not be missed. There are many hungry stomachs in this world.

9. Vacations I enjoyed in the past 2 years.

10. Jobs I switched. Okay, its not the one that does justice to my abilities or gives me very fat salary yet its comfortable. There are many who slog it out everyday. And I'm certain I'll land where I want to..someday soon.

11. Getting younger. I feel I'm growing to be more young-chirpy-charming girl at heart. Beautiful from within and outside. I understand myself much better than I did. I am surer of what I want in life..the kind of person I would like to spend my life with..and deeper connections of hearts and souls.

12. Ability to forgive all those who hurt me for no reasons. I pray God gives strength to you all and at some point to realize its wonderful to stand up for what you believe in. 

There are countless things that make world wonderful. Nature, seas, mountains, chirping of morning birds, flowers, music, movies, seasons, home appliances, gadgets, cars, luxurious homes, etc etc. How can I neglect all that's worthy? Maybe, its time to test the power of thought. Perhaps, its time I shift my focus to its presence around than absence.Unravel the 'secret' and watch miracles. 

The 'law of attraction'...remember.