Dear Men

When I was a little girl
I loved everything
You touched me dirty
I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t tell.
Then I grew up young and pretty
I loved dresses, lipsticks
No matter what I wore you made me feel naked
I gave up skirts and covered
You still saw it all
I stepped out for my dreams
And see what world is all about
You groped me at every chance
So I bought a car
You made fun I don’t drive well
Did you ever notice I was nervous of your gaze
Hence I got my glasses tinted
You found it intriguing and followed me
I thought so hard. 
I fought so hard.
Nothing worked.

Now I am free and I am wild
Call me a woman or child
Don’t look at my eyes. Look what they see
Don’t look at my lips. Hear what they say
Don’t touch my body till you feel my soul
Be that Man. Then you truly make me whole.
Until then, let me BE.

You & I

A February winter evening

that awkward restaurant table

nothing to ask or say

yet it looked so perfect

and stayed that way

…with your realities and all of mine

irreplaceable bond that sets us free

uninhibited you and me

now … somehow

deep blue quiet nights

i miss our nothing

i miss you.

that place we wandered halfway. halfway beautiful

‘forever’ makes it on mistakes, acceptance

you’re wise

forget

me. moments. small stuff

just remember

whatever i was looking for

was always You.

BE

be that true love you seek

n the reason in your voice

yet when life runs all amok? patiently BE

be that silence in chaos of you versus ‘i’

the smile on those distant lips

and when tears seep through. quietly BE

be. when they lie. break.  walk away

and when they hold on

then when forgiveness mends moments. abundantly BE

be the thought after futile anger

the listener before all you got to say
and still no one sees your view? understandably BE.

be the acceptance you complain, is lacking

the freedom and more

and as shore lets ocean retreat, to embrace it again. joyfully BE

be the trust you still relentlessly hunt

the peace lost on this road

you still don’t; find it? don’t fret. faithfully BE

be the failure to learn from

   and success that walks to hope

   when strangers acknowledge. humbly BE

   be the passion of the wild

   be the lover clueless of time

   and when curtains draw to a closing scene. timelessly BE

be the mate to your soul

be the soul to your mate

then if all falls apart. re-build BE

be is me and be i am

in endlessness of universe, dissolvably BE

on my mind

You’re on my mind…all the time

its evening…& your car stops outside kitchen window

before I open that oakwood door

your lips on mine say ‘baby i missed you so’

not in real.…i find

its just you on my mind

you know not – my heart beats in hope

we’ll be together soon…with you i’ll see that midnight moon

tell me it’ll last forever

when you’re angry, will you let me go?

just like that?

or hold my hand, until i breathe my last

i see a cozy home with you,

noisy babies too

you walking back from work to our little nest

to many hugs …so do you feel well-loved?

would you cherish these moments in time

or make tangible your only chase?

i feel so yours from so far.. do you ?

or are these games & i’ll loose

do you think of me when i leave you alone

then miss me when radio plays your favourite song

do you question when things go wrong

would u give up all else to make it right –

when we fight

share fears and failures, harsh cold nights

will you keep me warm in love; hold me close

take me with you …into the blue

for everything else and love

tell me you will make it true

coz every morning i wake up to find

you in my eyes, you on my mind…

Between all and none

It was 5 in the evening and I woke up from siesta to thunderous clouds. Even as I got off from bed thinking about the wonderful sight of rain in my balcony, a parallel thought in my head erupted. I had done laundry and clothesline in my backyard was full of fresh conditioned clothes, to get crisp in the afternoon sun. My mother was watching the showers, sitting on a chocolate-colour bean bag in our living room. Dad lay in another bedroom fast asleep after running some errands, in total darkness. No one in my family can sleep with slightest lights on. It is risky at times, especially with the kind of power-cuts we face. But then, old habits die hard or may never die. The parallel thought of ruining laundry completely smothered the other one.

I couldn’t bear that both my mum and dad were totally oblivious to my labor of love. And then I burst with my angry disappointment. Both of them have aged. But for some reason, I fail to acknowledge this truth. And I ignored that at this moment too. My dad who was sleeping woke up hearing my loud mumbling voice to myself and helped me fetch clothes back. This was closest I came to making my biggest display of bad behavior and what happened then was a memory that won’t fade. Not easily.

I went back to my room and continued watching television that I’d fallen asleep watching. Since I’ve chosen to stay off-work for a while, I look for things to keep me busy. Mostly they revolve around workouts, reading or surfing on my laptop - while TV plays for company. And yes, thinking - whether or not to pick a job for financial comfort, and this guy I so love talking to every night. I just feel he sees in me what no one has so far. But I won’t go into those details. About 15 minutes had passed and mom walked into my room and questioned me harsh - what did I say to my dad as he lay on the bed holding his head. I couldn’t believe. I said nothing, except that ugly yell - on why should I always take care of menial things when I am already so stressed about everything in life.

Then a parallel thought ran forward. This time it choked my anger and arrogance. This was realization. And a stark one. Straight in my face. Of what could possible lie ahead. Of what can I loose at this moment because of what did in the last one. Of how I am about to change it all, for the worse; if I let worse happen and don’t fix it right here. Right now. I rushed to his room to find him lying - his shrinking eyes half-open and his wrinkled hands on his heart. That moment screamed with all its might – the reality of aging. And of how we gamble our own.

I, absorbed in my own world of life’s commotion – had so far blatantly chosen to ignore the people who have embraced the worst in me. Did I always know how to talk, walk, eat, and drink? Or to dress up? Tie my shoes or brush my teeth? Or even do my hair. No. Those have been the eyes who have watched every bit I am today and followed me to every remote corner – to save me from getting lost – in places and in life! Getting lost to failures, to heartbreaks, to challenges, to cons. And much more. Those have been the hands that have held mine on roads and gardens, in markets and zoos. And picked me up in arms to save me from mud and ditches; thorns and stones. I stood there guilty as guilty should be. He was still there – with us – for us.  As always. He was breathing. But a lot else had changed. It was hard to contain the negative thoughts that started knocking my skull. What could it be? Heart attack? Haemorrhage? Stroke? Or just high blood pressure. I hoped it was the last, if at all. Mum panicked and called an acquainted doctor home. He checked his pulse, blood pressure, eyes, for about 5 or more minutes. I tried to read his face, even before he spoke.  His expressions were stoic but I chose to focus on when he told us all was well. And there was nothing to worry. He wrote a prescription and advised rest. Perhaps he guessed why what happened - happened in the first place. He suggested dad to not act or react with haste, now that his age is pulling up. Calm mind and thoughtful actions would make a lot of difference in well-being. That was not only an ‘Rx’ to him, but to me and everyone – where everyone is trying extremely hard to keep up with life – and where nothing seems to be going right. Well, mostly.

Even after the doc was long gone, I remained numb and silent. It was too many emotions to comprehend and make sense of how I felt. But the one we call guilt – stood out. It was tough to ask and toughest to answer – What If? The chain of thoughts that followed this two worded question was like a Kaizen ingredient – to better me from what I was that day. At that moment in time. Moment of thought and reflection. My moment of figuring out. So I went on to ask myself - what if I had woken up to rain and forgotten about the clothesline myself? They would’ve got wet and dirty. And I would forgive myself for the loss, and justified it with how hard I work through the day. I was tired. I needed rest. Parents would’ve told me not to worry and we’d re-do them in the machine next morning. End of story. But my mind wasn’t stopping at this close. Like a pop-up window. What if I had woken up and gone out to the backyard looking at the dark skies while enjoying the rain shower and collected the not-so precious clothes. I’ve never stopped loving rains. Wherever, whenever. Maybe mum would’ve offered me a hot cup of ginger tea, like she does often. Wonderful beginning of a pleasant evening? Far better than the first. What if I did not jump out in anger – that had lingered on in my head since last night  - after someone I was hoping to hear from - did not do so. Perhaps I must’ve taken care of soon as it was beginning to feed on my energy. If someone opts out of a situation, why should I allow myself to remain in it – when there are no gains? If someone can be oblivious to me for no fault, why can I do the same? Who was the root cause of the misery that created a bad mood? I knew. It was me…

And then came my last ‘if’. What if dad had not been able to make it through that moment? It was as freaky and as scary a thought as the figure in dark - that we never see, but always scared of. It is a thought that we run away from – with all our might, with all that we have – all our lives. Until it gets hold of us – one day. Sometimes we choose it. Sometimes it chooses us. But was I prepared to choose it for my own people? Don’t we all wish to give up ourselves to save them?  And why? Because we don’t live for ourselves. We live for them. We all live for someone. Whoever that is. If it wasn’t for our parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, and even strangers – most of us would give away life for little brushes of fate – when things didn’t happen as we wanted them to. I shivered, held his hand, and fell crying on his chest – so choked that sorry wouldn’t come out of my lips.

Anger or misdirected anger is an emotion that can completely shut all other. It has the power to crush and destroy everything you have loved and lived for. The after-effect is so dismal that no amount of money can buy and no amount of regret can restore. There is no back-up of people we love that are put up on stake. There will never be one. Remind yourself this.

So the next time, when anger comes calling – don’t pick up.

And that alone can decide - between all and none.

last year, same time

Last year, around this time, I was in England. It was an amazing experience. My first time ever out of my country and the best bit – on my own. I lived it up. Though when I look back – maybe I’ll find things – I now think – could ‘ve been better. For some reason – I settled quickly into the new place. Had I not, things might have been more adventurous. Maybe not. Randomness has its own beauty.

I did not shoot many videos – and I don’t know why. Maybe it could’ve been my own little documentary. Or my memoir of the little lanes and by-lanes, and tiny wet houses I strolled past on my trip to Cumbrian mountains. It was certainly the best evenings I ever spent. In chill and rain…soaking it up all. I particularly remember myself smiling all the time because I was loving every minute of it and people who walked past me returned my smile – thinking I was a tourist trying to make myself comfortable smiling at them. Well I was a tourist. I remember myself looking up in the sky on top of the boat ride I took at Ambleside – telling God how much I love him..for giving me that wonderful moment in time. The snow-clad mountains against a lush green backdrop and dark skies …and then downpours. Getting off on the road and walking in drizzles…oh it was an awesome feeling, hard to describe. I felt like God planned it so perfect – especially for me. I remember the shops I took shelter in…when it got heavy and then bought a purple umbrella for 3 pounds! It matched so well with my white overcoat. On my first evening, walking back to my hotel – that awesome Mughal food in an Indian restaurant on the street. Looking outside over the road- with fine music and the place abuzz with locals and tourists. I sat there wondering – may God bless this man who runs the place. I can have my favorite Indian dish sitting in a remote corner of England! That is so wow. And then buying a red wine bottle – not bc I wanted to drink but bc it was on sale! That was so hilarious. I had too glasses and slept like a baby. Worth the money!! The delightful breakfast and another day in wet mountains. Walking length and breadth ..it was feeling God every moment. Anything more wonderful than getting to see such heaven – without having to die?

And that moment when I stood at the Tower Bridge. It was majestic - with all the lights illuminating Thames on a breezy night. When I saw London in pictures, I used to wonder – maybe one day I’ll be standing there sipping a coffee. I was standing there sipping a Starbucks! Thank God for that moment. I spent several evenings there feeling wonderful but lonely. That pause made me crave to have someone in my life. It still does. That’s a different story. The emotions were a mix of a confident mind telling ‘what’s the big deal?’ and a child-like heart relishing every moment of those events in time. Like my long-lost self was back – out with joy and alive with beauty. The feeling of telling myself not all is lost and I can do it. On my own.

Some days were extremely difficult. I missed home. And though I always knew there’s nothing like it, I realised it even more. The person I trusted all along, humiliated and insulted me. The sole focus that I had put into taking up - into what looked like my only chance – was getting blurred in front of my own eyes for someone who de-railed my whole focus. I stood there helpless. Trying until the end, thinking I’ll get what I’ve come here for. I’ll do something good with my life. Make my people proud. And more importantly, prove to myself that I’m not yet done in life. There’s something beautiful out there for me and I’ll find it. An year later, that quest is still on. But I haven’t yet figured my direction. I keep getting back to doing what I don’t like. Just for money. How else will I sustain myself? I don’t have a single soul to fall back on for my needs or even in crisis. I have to work – whether I like it or not. If I had the luxury, I would have sat in a cozy corner with a big cup of hand-beaten coffee and written my book. Or an article for some magazine I could have been working for – not for money but for passion. But nothing of that sort is happening – not anytime soon atleast. I am not social anymore as I have nothing to talk about. Maybe why anyone needs to know? Good or bad, failure or success..whatever it is, it is my story. Just mine.

I am a woman of a lot of flaws. A lot. Maybe that’s why I drive long distances to reach nowhere. And then pat my back for a wonderful drive and no life-threatening accidents! I might cry for an empty fuel tank for my next destination..and then finally find some. The interesting bit is I repeat all of the above the second time round…where-ever I set out. Soul Seeker? Eternal Lover? So you get the drift?

Tonight

you’re far n out of sight, yet let me tell you how I feel tonight

i so wish you were with me besides

n we’d set these rains on fire, that strong is my desire

how i long for your lips on mine, Oh….they taste soo wine

baby, come on … take me in your arms; lift me up

let’s set rains on fire

that strong is my desire

no, don’t wanna rules or reasons; no inhibitions

we love to love & it’s got no seasons

so baby come on, let’s set rains on fire

that strong is my desire

your breath on my body, hands on my soul; you make me feel so whole

wanna lie on you– watch stars n sky

love that look in your eye…. takes me high

darlin’ let’s set cold moon on fire

that strong is my desire

wanna walk by you on white ocean sands, holding hands

& kiss like an insatiable blue shore,

that’s not all….baby i want you more

let’s set the night on fire

that strong is my desire

my wet hair on your morning face, as we embrace

honey now hold me close, I got time for more

my passion all wild, I ain’t letting u go….Yes I want u so
make me yours, don’t waste more time, 
so let’s set time on fire,

that strong is my desire
paint my skin with everything,

color this night

but oh you’re out of sight
yet i’ll tell you how i feel tonight...

mom

She leaves kitchen in a mess and I rarely see her pick a broom. Her almirah is always open until you remind. Clothes scattered. Bottles always look for their caps. She almost never can speak in a low tone. Teaching did that to her, perhaps. Thinks aloud, and constantly thinks. Lying still is just not her thing. When she calls on my cell while at work, she speaks like I’m 4 and she’s 5. Even before I’ve said bye, she has already hung up. If it were not for contemporary taste, our house would just have picture of Gods and grandparents. Whenever she is free, she prays. Virtually every corner would have incense burning during evening. She has a new ache every day somewhere in her body. A foot massage is her sleep tonic. Yet, parlours don’t see her except for an occasional provocation. Every time she sees a wedding, she waits for my groom. Like, all men have lost it if they can’t find my address.

She is not a cooking freak. Even if I’m in no mood to eat, she’d still cook. Her favourite nuts in hand would be stuffed in my mouth whilst she intended to munch on them. She’s always looking for her reading glasses and slippers. She has seen few and far comforts, yet our complains is all she wants to mitigates. Yet she smiles. I am a riot without her. She keeps me strong and sane and hopeful. She is frail but makes me believe in self. Her being is what can fight Hercules alone. Her optimism is infectious. Her strength unflinching. Her energy constant. She is much more than words can fit.

The kitchen is in a mess again today. But you know what, Mom? It’s alright. It’s perfect.

Just as you.Forgets details and repeats the trifle. She is so full of flaws. I am so irked. I simply dislike her ways. At times, I just shout and argue. She is getting old. Maybe I chose to ignore that on purpose. I don’t want the next thought to invade. Her energy is depleting but she continues to go about her day like she always did. Memory evades her as she struggles to recall the name of the guy I updated her atleast twice yesterday. In all the mundane madness, she has forgotten that her body needs rest. Her stuff remains in mess as she is busy getting our lives in order. Her child-like voice is, but an attempt to hide her fears. Despite everything, she looks for miracles, and that they’d happen. The woman who got lost in marriage and kids has forgotten what her own dreams were. All that exists for her is us. Our well-being is what she keeps asking in her prayers all the time to all the Gods in all those corners. Her voice cracks often when I hug her just like that. I argue about how she couldn’t use her life to the fullest. There was so much to do. So much to learn. 

As I sit down at a wee hour to give this a silent thought, I realize she has been living through me and everyone else all these years. She has been perfect with all those flaws, for mine are much more and growing. Her life is a struggle that seems unending. 

Free

I’ve been feeling this way and I won’t lie

Is it immoral or selfish I don’t have a clue

It’s been long I’ve been there for you

As you were for me

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

Maybe I’ll miss you when I am far

I’ll be sorry for being harsh

Knowing I’ve put you through rough times

I had mine, you know too

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

Times I wonder what happened to all the love between us

Perhaps some distance may restore what we lost

Perhaps life just slipped in all the fuss

Funny we chased each other’s dreams, then blamed amongst

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

I’d love you while I’m away

miss your voice I couldn’t notice; advice I didn’t obey

Perhaps ‘twas all worth the hardships we faced

Memories of togetherness are what will remain of this time

I’ve a feeling - I’ll look back and cry

And ‘it’d all make sense someday

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

I know you’re hurt, I know you’d forgive me yet

Its strange in so many years, we haven’t ‘met’

And we mustn’t loose our only chance

It’ll lead to a whole new meaning, I have a feeling

Trust me it won’t be bad

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

We got one life n time’s running out

I’ve yet to find myself, to be yours in a better way

Or maybe still choose to keep away

Whatever I do, wherever am I

I’d always love you, that’s no lie;  

But now it’s got too much, and I want to break free