death

No matter how often we hear or see it – around us, amongst us, we never get used to it. We are almost as unprepared. Yet, even if for a moment, it makes us pause and ponder. Where are we heading? What do we value? Who do we love? Are we living moments?

Two days back, I lost my aunt. Four months back, it was another. Both loved me some way. Although I am not emotionally attached to relatives, except both my grandmothers who doted on me, their silver-white hair and a smile that only love brings. I didn’t beat my chest in grief, yet it moved me enough to tears. Pain is rarely loud. When people become memories, there is no second way to express or so I experience?

It’s a tad difficult to understand what’s the best way to say your last goodbye. What if you don’t have time? What if death is sudden? What if those you love aren’t even around? Oh God – that would be really bad. I don’t have answers. No one has.

Who knows how will I die? And when? I don’t wish to know that. But I’ll wish I have my family around – my parents, sisters, perhaps T - a friend who has been all that this word ever meant to me, and my elusive lover who still remains elusive. Maybe he's held up in traffic? That I get a chance to say one last time I always loved you all. That I hope I wasn’t much of a trouble, my silliness included. That you gave me the most precious thing – time – when I needed it. That I hope to have lived to your expectations. Sorry Mom – I gave you the hardest time. That I was always sorry for hurt I caused, and the promises life did not offer me a chance to fulfil. That I couldn't make it big, but I held onto my inner voice. That I couldn’t thank you enough for being in my life – for accepting all of me – yet staying like yesterday. That when the earth was going round, you made my world worth this circle- of life and death.

Maybe I’ll never get a chance?

In that case, I’ll go tell them now?

(I have this post - to be on the safer sideJ)

no condolences

He said, '...will you shut me out now'? She said, 'No'. She didn't.
He was tired. She comforted. He was angry. She heard. He was hungry. She felt bad. 
So funny?? She was. He laughed like you.
He needed a friend. She was. He needed a woman. She was. 'You are what I'd been looking for' - he had said.

Then - he left for new- touchable. Made his choice, and hers. 

Now - why the itch? 

Go figure.

For her. No meaningless strings. 

No condolences.

"I am sorry." But when do you really forgive?

I have almost lost someone I opened my heart and life to in a long, long time. I am using ‘almost’ because ‘hope is a good thing’. Yes, that is from Shawshank Redemption.

I don’t 'usually' react when people display anger because there’s always a reason. I wait till they calm down and share why they did what they did. It always works because I believe they are telling me the truth. I don’t take offence or discard it as ‘mere justification’. Instead, I feel they consider me bankable enough to show me their true emotions, knowing I won’t walk away. Call me crazy but bad behaviour from people who you love and care for, establishes their genuineness and the trust they show in you for being ‘themselves’ in that moment. Try opening up to it like we do to good behaviour. Everyone likes the ‘nice you’. But how many people would take the ‘bad you’? The ugly you? And still never change their perception or their treatment of you. Always nice is fake or divine. We all are different people at different times. That doesn’t change the core of our being. It’s a manifestation. I let it be that.

This time, I reacted. For aweful things I said, I was awefully sorry. Maybe I thought it’s too strong a relation to change on my random behavioural anamoly. When there's a malice lingering from past, forgiveness never happens. And the worst part, the guilty shall remain guilty without knowing it ever. Everything they say or do henceforth appears differently. You question if the guilty has a motive, or are they even genuine? You have chosen to believe yourself rather than the person at the other end.

My relationship was a wonderful mix of many little things and a lot else. There was sincerity, openness, and no secrets. Until a suspicion distorted all that was between us. It came to light and the damage could be seen very clearly, even in dark. An email was misconstrued of its content and held me culprit without a case. If you ask me how aweful it feels, my knowledge of vocabulary wouldn’t do justice. Lack of trust is my finding. I just wasn’t trusted enough in any of the spaces we shared. 
Would you loose people who matter on assumptions?

Trust works only one way – when it’s present at both ends. We had a lot of small tiffs earlier but none got blown up ever. Until then the ‘sorry’ were accepted with complete honesty. There was no change in our treatment of each other. Ever. And we never quoted, “….the last time you…”. Personally, I don’t even know how to hold grudges. I cannot sulk for long. I am too restless to do it. When there are two, decisions mustn’t be taken alone. More so when you haven't disclosed, clarifications you haven't sought, fears you haven't shared. Isn't that the first thing to do when you believe in someone? If not, it establishes the distrust you initiated even further, demeaning the entire labor of love that goes into creating a relationship between two people – whatever that is.

It takes a lot to build, and nothing to destroy.

When someone is sorry, they want to be trusted with it. That’s ALL it takes to restore the moment. Insincere forgiveness compounds the guilt – at each end.

Acceptance of all we are is the only way to live. The only way to love. We need it the most when we deserve it the least. 

That’s all the difference between myth and reality.

That’s all the distance from now to always. 

that moment

that moment when you whispered a stranger’s hello as we first met

that moment when our eyes met before you looked away

that moment when you laughed on my random nothings

that moment when you called me midnight to talk riot

that moment when you told me over again ‘we are so similar’

that moment when you murmured you miss me

that moment when you looked through my soul

it felt something like love

that moment when you went without a goodbye

that moment when you turned silent on my silliness

that moment when you never asked me how am i

that moment when nothing in me looked true
that moment when you walked over all that I was

that moment when you hung up with a thud

it hurt something like love

that moment when no moment was as beauftiful on a sunny day
i knew...it could only be love

that moment when i hurt you foolishly...i am sorry

i heard love is when you set it free

homecoming is love forever.