A little wierd today

I wanna scribble a lot of silly stuff but cant find right words in my head to tell myself exactly how I feel. Am I sounding stupid? I know there couldn't be a more stupid question....I am feeling crazy and helpless. I just wish I could lay my hands on a magic wand and turn around a few things right. Or maybe I must go shopping. That's easier and certainly more practical. That reminds me I have to add a few more colors to my shoe stock for summers but Sunday is so far (depressing) !!!! ....and right now I am craving for chocolate..bitter dark chocolate. Whosoever said..Forget Love. I'd rather fall in chocolate could read my mind. (Though I feel tempted for so much else, I better shut up now)

A Case of Vanity

It was a bright July sunny morning & I was brushing sleepily at my hostel basin. Absentminded, I saw another girl join me on the side for the same daily chore. She kept glancing at me every now & then. I acknowledged but didn't pay much heed and departed for a shower. My MBA classes started at 9 am sharp. It was my first week at the new place and I was still to make friends. You need them to make homesickness easier, especially at lonely, desert like surroundings, far..very far from the main city. I saw the same girl at night, the same place. Don't let your horses loose. I am very straight. Its been a habit to wash my face, moisturize, & do my hair before going to bed. It just gives me a clean fresh feeling. Most of my hostel mates who observed this habit teased me and joked that I am gonna meet my man in dreams, so I need to look good & smell better. But I remained unperturbed. I am obsessed about personal hygiene and it was a fine habit. So I carried it this way for a whole two years there. Well, yes I still do.

Anyways, the girl & I started exchanging hi-s and hellos whenever we met at the washing area. She seemed like a warm and charming girl. One fine evening, as I was almost done with my beauty chores, she came up to me and said, 'Hey, if you dont mind, may I ask you something?" I could just sense some curiosity there but was clueless of what its about. Without giving much thought, I replied, "Oh yeah, sure." She continued, "You might find this real funny. Okay. But I have been observing you since the first day and I cant help but say that you've beautiful eyes. They speak. But errrr..", she hesitated, "...do you apply maskara (a makeup for eyelashes) before going to bed 'coz your eyelashes look so pretty and finely rolled. Every morning when I see you I think you're obsessed with make-up." I couldnt comprehend it for a few seconds and then burst into a good laughter. Even before I could reply, she said..,"I am sorry if you found it intrusive...". I interrupted her and said...,"No darling, no maskara. These are natural." She truly looked embarrassed. Though it wasn't the first time someone told me that. I got that praise at my tuition classes, in school, and in college, by potential Romeos. I told her it was a wonderful compliment and that I would remember it for a long time. We remained good cordial friends since. I might sound funny but I have loved all good words in praise of my eyes than any other feature on my face or part of my body. (I am not even going there). Maybe, 'coz I believe eyes are a window to your heart and soul, and they seldom lie. (Unless, of course you've mastered the art of deception!!). Nothing gives a woman more pleasure than to be perceived a good person than just a beautiful face. Also, I find it truly enduring and flattering to receive praise from women, more than men. Men use skillful appreciation for the desire of lust, more than often. But it truly takes purity of heart for a woman to compliment another. Its occasional, thus more precious. 

And everytime, I am getting ready I cant help but look at my eyes a second time in mirror, before I leave. I hope even when the skin wrinkles, the vision gets bleak, and hands tremble, the eyes would still glow with love and humility.

" The only cure for vanity is laughter, and the only fault that's laughable is vanity."Henri Bergson

Moods of my paper heart

If I could, I would...run away to a lonely beach. No one to watch, just me & a blue sky above.

If I could, I would...lie free on soft wet sand in my favorite dress. Untie my hair, stretch my arms, close my eyes.

If I could, I would...hear the sound of sea waves clapping to lonely shore. Feel its cool sprinkle on my thirsty skin.

If I could, I would...walk, carefree, along blue crystal sea. Match my steps with scented breeze.

If I could, I would...write a name with my fingers. Watch the tide dance over, take it along.

If I could, I would...buy some wings & fly high. Like I had nothing to loose.

If I could, I would...travel back in time. Gift wrap moments I left behind.

If I could, I would...lie next to you, hide my face in loving embrace. Thank heavens, take a deep sigh.

If I could, I would...let a child run his gentle hands through my hair. Forget all my despair.

If I could, I would...pour all my life in a wine glass. Gulp it down, and just die...

You shouldn't change...sometimes

Do you wish you had never heard my name. Never came across my face.

Its haunting your moments now.

And do you wish you never picked up that phone, heard my voice.

You wouldn't have felt so lonesome tonight.

Do you wish we had never spoken, shared that sweet tickling vibe.

You wouldn't be feeling like you left something special behind.

And do you wish you hadn't heard my laughter on your silly nothings.

Your evenings wouldn't be so silent and quiet.

Do you wish you hadn't imagined a life together.

Your dreams wouldn't be looking so painfully down.

And do you wish you hadn't been so casual in love.

You would have had the best by your side.

Do you wish you hadn't let it all go like that.

You wouldn't be looking like a pack of lies.

And do you wish you had not left it to chance.

You would have had your soul feel light.

Do you wish you acted like my hero.

You wouldn't have to put on a sad disguise.

And do you wish you made your own rules to live.

You wouldn't have taken me by a bad surprise.

Do you wish you were true to yourself.

You wouldn't be calling the present a compromise.

And do you wish you hadn't changed your words like this.

You wouldn't be feeling so cruel inside.

Do you wish you treasured me for all I was than wanting more.

You wouldn't have had me writing these lines.

And that's the reason honey, I told, why you shouldn't change in life, just sometimes.....

Funny to be Me...

When I love you with all I have, it aint meant to fail

But for some in this world, its absolute convenience that hails.

You are mine this moment, not the next; then take no time to backtrack in plain text

Its usual to see emotions change quicker than the needles on your clock

Wonder would you cry when I wont answer your panic knock

I've begun to see how clever the world is around me

You lie, cheat, kill in name of helplessness & destiny

Watch your actions darling, this side of life sometimes ever if you'll be

Try with all that you have, & you will realize

......it wasn't funny to be me

Look at me

Look at me, who am I
Just another life in just another soul
Very ordinary, very simple in search of a goal...
 

Don’t look at my eyes, see what they dream;
Don’t look at my lips, hear what they say
And when you know what’s in my heart,
Tell me you’ll find a way

And when you won’t walk fast, I’ll walk slow
Love could make a dark world glow
Let life run into your arms, feel what it is meant to be
Take your chance baby, that is what is destiny

You are you and I am I
& when we find each other,
just be sure it will be beautiful…..

So far, not good.

I am gonna be 32 soon. An Indian, single, working girl with a good career, nice parents, lovely siblings, a pretty face, and a fully functional brain. Do I sound narcissistic? Well, No. I am not some self-obsessed arrogant female looking for attention from useless souls. I just know self-worth and don't deny that I love myself. But like most ordinary women, I desire to 'settle down'. Find a good guy (hahahaha), get married, & have children. After falling in love a couple of times with men I thought were good enough, & then going down the hill only to discover cheats & cowards, I finally decided on the arranged marriage bit, thinking families would be involved anyways. But as I have ventured out in that territory for almost a year now, its a strange market. Its disgusting to acknowledge that a sacred & beautiful relationship like marriage has become a commodity available off the shelf. As long as the product is finely polished, who cares what's stuffed inside. No wonder then, most people end up bitter and miserable, and its too late to amend the damage.

My middle class background made me believe that our society has graduated over the time & learnt to respect girls who do have a mind of their own. They are sensible and flexible for the desire of a complete life, keeping some individuality intact. But damn, I am so wrong!

How can I forget I am a woman? As I grow older, my chances of finding a better guy would diminish, though a man of 35 would still have bright chances of finding a much younger partner. But I thought its got not much to do with age. It was about compatibility & liking for each other. Once you strike that note, things fall in place. Wrong again. Its NOT compatibility. Its a bargain. This mindset of people makes me fume, amuse, mock, at the grim situation. I am sure there might be thousands who would be in the same frame as I am.

Because they are parents to a son gives them a 'divine' right to demand a complete package right from your physical appearance to the nature of your job & the dresses you must wear. Everyone seems to be shopping for a beautiful piece of skin. (Yeah, that's all about it).  Many would reply to 'No Dowry' ads but would seek the 'budget' for ceremonies. They claim ' Merit of girl only criteria' but would want to know how many properties her parents have in stock. They would want a working girl with good salary but she must know how to find her way through their stomach. Many might just marry for free sex. Then, there are families that make marriage a way to exercise a veto power. A way to establish authority with no concern to the deeper complications. There are MEN in prime age who don't want to crawl out of mama's lap. (Sure it makes mama gloat with joy like no other) I wonder if they would also teach them the positions....huh!

Its a strange procedure ruled by greed, parochialism, bloated egos, and lots of obscure lies. No one cares for words like truth, humility, grace, and courtesy. But I am still believing there might be someone who is an exception to this crowd. To cherish ME. The woman and the person in his life. Someone who is A Man. Not just by anatomy. But by mind. A man who is capable of recognizing, appreciating, and treasuring the goodness within and deciding for his own life. One who can dare say, 'You are the one. You are perfect the way you are and we'll make it beautiful together." Someone who values my smile in his life the most.....and will do anything to retain it..day by day. Everyday.

In the words of a wise man, "Wife, not mum, is the center of a Man's Life".

Oh God, have you stopped making those kinds??