Love voodoo

Your pictures peep from my inbox

your numbers in my phone, stay

must delete 'em all - a promise broken everyday

my lazy heart thumps - as you show 'online'

well, yes. i hit on your name many-a-times

its me....that 'stranger' who added you

enough hints. now, you've a clue......?

scared, I am. I confess. you call, I don't pick

mere thought pricks

I said, its over. I said, I'm done                                                      
yet, you haunt each night. I sleep in abandon.

& if you're moving on, I wont cry

terrible. not enough of a good try

why do I fool myself? why do I hold on

desire you around. probably you're gone?

muster! cut fantasy strings binding us tight
why struggle this dilemma, n fight

i brace. i wait...if love comes

need puzzles undone....

un-do. someone??

when you call today & i dont pick

presume i'm wondering thick

would you say you miss me, much as i do?

luring imaginations stalking my car, i tell you

D.a.m.n.!.....damn this love voodoo......!!

Two minute trance

Maybe God was trying hard, real hard. To make me imbibe his divinity. I ain't an atheist, by the way. But I'm sort of done with ritualized prayer regimes. After a while, it becomes mundane. And then I do it, more out of fear (the what-if-I-don't-chant-stuff-tonight...'maybe I wont find a nice man or I'll miss out the next promotion.....' type of fear) than out of devotion for God. So I rather not do it. Instead, I'd call on him once in a while to have a little chit-chat and maybe coax him into giving me a little more strength to deal with a tough life, coz I, never never have had it my way.

It was a couple of years back during peak Indian summers that my family made a plan for a short trip to Rishikesh, a small town, by the banks of the holy river Ganga (Ganges). It was pristine when I had last seen it in 80s. I was a little girl then. I remember seeing some beautiful fishes in the crystal clear waters and walking over a huge roped bridge. Guess, this trip was to break that myth of beauty and trance. Soon as we got off from the taxi, it was chaos. I was aghast and disgusted to see the place eaten up like termites would do a beautiful piece of wooden jewelry-box. There were hoards of unkempt people, heaps of garbage, strewn roads with no bins, open drains, smelly public loos...everything that could more resemble the likes of a hell. Whoever was to blame for it, I don't care. Administration, unawareness, or just reckless human behavior in the name of God & religion. But isn't Cleanliness next to Godliness. I assume, next only? But now that I were there what could I do. I couldn't stay there for my sake. Except for my mum's insistence that we must spend a few minutes on the banks and let her offer prayers.

The sight greeting us wasn't quite pleasant. Women who probably never step out of their veiled faces bathing semi-clad, alongside men, in full view of the rest. Some washing dirty linen, well literally! Children who were, I guess peeing in the very holy river? I wanted to scream and run!! I was damn angry on myself for being there. I walked along the stony bank till I found a huge semi-immersed rock to sit for a while. I was tired, putting myself to such torture. I sat. Seemed God was still willing to welcome me there. Suddenly, a stream of dark clouds in the sky, and the view transformed to that of a scenery. It started drizzling patiently, as if to cool me down. But all hilly places are the same. I was still feeling aweful. 

Wondering subconsciously of all that was likely a 'Ganga myth', I dangled my feet in the water...the chilling, careless, muddy water, rushing speedily as if to defy  - Catch me if you can. Then clapping against the rocks. Perhaps on our foolishness to presume we did it in? The moment was unique. Not just in appearance, in its 'essence' too. Like someone above poured sheer bliss into my soul (that was full of disgust seconds ago). Like the one you get while dancing in rain amidst the lap of nature, and no one's watching. Pure joy. As if the cool sprinkles splashed to whisper into my ears..'don't be angry. I am still pure. I still heal. I still nurture. Enjoy being with me. Don't hate me for what your world does to me....love me what for I am'. Incredible is the word only close to describe my mood.

I was silently sorry to doubt a faith called Ganga. 

It was dusk when temple bells made music to see me off on soulfully enchanting notes...

My taxi was waiting...

Please don't litter. Stop abusing Mother Nature.

A birthday note:

My dear life

I accepted you with a smile sometimes, sometimes with a tear
Stood by you when all was lost

thinking you would give up your ways one day
Alas, your games never cease

No bells, no candles, nothing to make you feel special

I wont celebrate

You seem nothing to me

nothing, but a hogwash

Were you bribed to be this way?

You must've got rich

but just look at me once

my face has a still smile

A day and some trivial joys

Soon as I got home, my cousin, who was on a quick visit to see mum, pointed towards a wallet lying on our scattered table in lobby . He said something like, 'Go. Shop!'. Being funniest of the lot, unsurprisingly, he's almost never taken seriously. I guess I gave a pretty puzzled look. I was dead tired, driving my way through routine traffic mania. That time, it was of least interest to me. I sank myself in a chair, my feet rolled up for some heaven-like joy. He continued, '....I found it on way. Seems like some girl dropped it in a jiffy'. My look must have changed a little by then. Well, just a little. Passively, I felt sorry for whoever she was. I extended my hand to open the black little thing, and found a couple of bank ATMs, identity cards, few 'pp size' photos of the girl, and lots of bits & pieces of paper - visiting cards, paper cuttings, and a picture of God. She seemed to be from a very humble background. There wasn't much cash & ATM slips conveyed the same. But what seemed meager to me could be much for her, I thought. I snapped my fixed phone and dialed the number on her ID card. Much to my disappointment, the number wasn't in use. She seemed an inter-city student. Poor thing might have panicked. It was 8 at night and I wasn't sure if someone would respond at her institute's number. Still I did. Only to receive a guy who was too lazy to check records for her current number. Wonder, when it comes to others, we conveniently give a damn! Anyways, I knew I would find her.

The next day I dialed her bank that refused to disclose any details, despite my trying to convince they can take my details to verify. I, then rang a number from a visiting card, who was an employee at the same bank. He was helpful and called me back after a few hours, only to tell me the account was not of his branch. Hence, it would take a while. I was thinking of the poor girl. She had her, what seemed like house keys, too in the wallet. Maybe she would've broken the lock to get in last night? As I was fumbling to find some more contact details, I got a phone Sim card inside. Wasting no time, I put it another cell phone. Bingo!! I got her 'home' number. At the other end, the voice tone changed from curiosity to happiness, followed by lots of thank-you's. I gave my number /address, and felt glad and relieved together. 

Soon, the rightful owner came to collect her little treasure. Very much like her picture. Her smile inadvertently bought one on my face too. A satisfaction you seldom encounter in everyday chaos. She thanked me more than I thought I deserved. It was nice, though. Guess, now whenever she looks at her little black purse, she would consider it her lucky charm, .....and perhaps think of me.

Isnt it strange how life connects us to people and their memories in so many wonderful ways?? I was happy I made a little nice story for someone's future.

And darlin', dont play. It hurts when you stary

Well, yeah. Its Monday blues for me. Sunday always flies perched on a fighter jet. I went shopping, then for lunch. In all, its was fine. Since, mostly I get to read my newspaper at evenings, it was at night I sat down to find about how this wonderful world is doing. In a leading English daily, they have a section called 'Mind Over Matter' where Deepak Chopra (a renowned Indian author in English) is the healing guru who guides people trapped in the 'love-life-misery' bubble. What caught my eye was the heading..'You stray when you get bored of your wife'. Blunt? Yes. True?..Well, sadly yes. The case was of a 30 something man who was married for 2 years & had a nice wife. The piece of trouble was he fell in 'Love' with a girl just 4 days before his marriage. Since everything was arranged, he couldn't call it off. BUT..he still continues with the adulterous relation coz he can't leave his wife and has 'strong feelings' for his lover (ofcourse sexual pleasures) too!!! And he can't tell his wife. Maybe, coz he doesnt want to loose 'The Perfect Husband' title. Phewww...

The first thought that would probably cross your mind, if you are a man, would be 'Lucky guy! He has his hands full'. (See, I can read your mind). And if you happen to be a woman, you would have started saying, 'What an ***hole' by now!! No sexist statement this. But guess, God 'wired' our connections differently. Its okay. Anyways, so think about it. What a coward! If he really thought the girl was 'Perfect' for him and so was he for her, why couldn't he DARE say it to both the families. It could have caused an initial flutter but it could have SAVED three lives from this long dreadful agony. His wife is almost out of picture for now, coz she doesn't even know that her dream-man has been straying. You know, when the lights are off, who cares who are you laying on. It seems like his wife is some kind of 'backup' arrangement. When you fight with your lover, you can always have your dutiful wife to pleasure you up. Vice-versa, equally true.

Why cant men get it that cowardice is the most loathsome trait of a man. Masculinity doesn't lie in the hair on your chest, strong punch of your hand, or your high pitch. It lies in your head. A man's sex appeal is his courage. To stand up for himself first. And then for his woman. If he cant do it now. He'd never do it ever. And his lover is his equal partner in crime. Why should you continue with a man who couldn't put up a fight for you if he loved you? (Was it love or lust in its garb??) Does she really respect him?? I doubt. And now if he is married, why would you sleep with him and keep fooling yourself that maybe one day, he would walk out on his wife and live with you happily-ever-after. It can't get more foolish and dangerous than this. Come on lady. Respect yourself. Move out of the scene or tell him to decide, who does he value more. What I find really sad in the situation is the trauma the wife would go through when she discovers. She would be the biggest sufferer, her only fault being that she has trusted her man all through. Anyways, who am I to speculate?? Its just that sometimes, you cant help but say what you feel about the sorry state of things in the world. All because, someone couldn't do what was right at the right time. Had the man been a little selfish at the time of making a decision on who to marry, the picture could've changed. He is selfish now. When its all the more messed up. I hope, everyone who reads this, pauses for a moment. To introspect. To trace the anomalies of your acts. To shed ego and fear. To pick up strength. The strength to set it right. Before it gets worse. And you end up loosing what you love the most.

My Claim on Fool's Day Tiara....

• I'll trust all your concoctions and never question.
• I'm prone to heartaches coz I'm convinced you're looking for genuine thing (when all you want is a 'nice time').
• I'll give you a 2nd, 3rd, 4th..nth chance to set it right (even when I'm sure you're back to mess).
• I get up only to trip. And expect 'courage' when you never heard this Hebrew word.
• Disguise as my sweet innocent confidante, I'll tell you all. (Yes, ALL)
• I'll miss my last bus thinking you'd be on way to find me. And walk the road alone.
• My Labels: If I'm flexible, I'm weak. If not, I'm arrogant/high-headed/snobbish..
• I'll plunge into waters when I don't know how to swim. Not just that, I'd hope to make it against violent tides.
• My Options: Bruises now or wounds later. I choose the latter. 
• I (unsuccessfully) promise myself to 'Master Diplomacy'. (Experts say I cant apply for its prep-school course).
• I walk into perfect situations (hypothetically) without looking for exits. (I'm always sure I wouldn't need it this time).
• If I try until I die, I'd never win 'Plot-Plan-Scheme'. Well, I never understood CHESS. (So what? I AM still SMART).
• I'd love to sing what you mean to me. My head doesn't have quality antennas. (I lost my ego to a lady named 'Dumbness' long time back).
• You'd become my everything, until I graduate to nothing. You'd never work it out. I'd try until you vanish.
• I'd work sincerely hard & never fight for accolades. (Yes, true. I'm stuck mid-level for very long.
• I'd refer jobs for people & listen to answering machines when I'm laid off.
• I wont crib of my bank account but you'd still envy my queen-like loneliness.
• I'd put simple joys over luxury & never be impressed by what you have. Its WHO YOU ARE. (Yes, my doc said its a manufacturing defect and irrepairable).
• I'd let you find faults with me when more of yours are seen & gladly taken. (Yes, you wont have a clue).
• I'd act stupid to make you feel in better control of me. (Afterall, its the question of your smile)
• Tell me you love me. I'll jump-off the damn cliff, break my bones, & believe your helplessness on not being there to hold. Instead, I'll be sorry for not timing it well !!

Your sins are many. MINE only two.....EVERYTHING I SAY AND EVERYTHING I DO.

PS: AS YOU DONT 'VE A BIGGER FOOL TO RECOMMEND, OVATION TIME???