its a different kind

He walks fast. She is slow. He is quiet. She talks. He thinks. She acts. He’s rational. She is everything but it. He is spiritual. She is religious. He keeps to himself. She gets social on an island. He is analytical. She is emotional. He is overtly organised. She can’t find anything. He detests shopping. She stops at every shop. He watches only news. She loves soaps and movies. He preserves everything. She uses here and now. He has no wish list. Hers’ is always in making. His words are hermits’. She hasn’t matured. He lives saintly. She votes for comfort. Yet, he is away, she is restless. She is away, he gets bored. She is sad, so he is. He is happy, she is more. He is unwell, she panics. She is unwell, he does. She sulks, he teases. She cries. He comforts. When he is thoughtful, she gets worried. He steps out, she checks on now and then. She leaves for a bit and he waits. She is for him. As he is for her. He doesn’t change one bit. No, neither does she. Keep them together. It’s sightseeing north and south poles. Try pulling them apart and it’s a magnet.

No diamonds. No roses. No tall claims. 37 and counting. Long drives happen on rough tyres. Smooth ones claim lives. Wonder what keeps two unusual people awesomely together? Love? Perhaps.

It’s a different kind. The kind they don’t make these days.

(22nd Feb, 2013)

tell me what it is

your cotton heart- that paper kite

an ounce of wind.  a stretch of string

hold it at one, flies at other end

Freedom or captivity?

Not words. You are in your silence

Chirpy, excited, curious, confident, and confused. Hesitant, restless, silly, naughty, fun, playful.

Angry. Harsh. Calm, focused, ripe, and more.

Many sounds in your voice I discovered. Just like everyone.

Then - I heard your silence ... and rooted your heart without a whisper.

Frozen

Build strong, it topples like a pack of cards. Transient life is what it is. It always will be. 
Put the trust, take the blame. World does strange games. It usually will.

Truth designed on a potter’s wheel that doesn't stop. It won’t.

So then?

Play some music, pour some wine

Wet my lips honey, let my skin shine

I’m frozen in love, not in time

until you melt in me
how would you ever know what it feels like to stay unruffled 
and flow free?

death

No matter how often we hear or see it – around us, amongst us, we never get used to it. We are almost as unprepared. Yet, even if for a moment, it makes us pause and ponder. Where are we heading? What do we value? Who do we love? Are we living moments?

Two days back, I lost my aunt. Four months back, it was another. Both loved me some way. Although I am not emotionally attached to relatives, except both my grandmothers who doted on me, their silver-white hair and a smile that only love brings. I didn’t beat my chest in grief, yet it moved me enough to tears. Pain is rarely loud. When people become memories, there is no second way to express or so I experience?

It’s a tad difficult to understand what’s the best way to say your last goodbye. What if you don’t have time? What if death is sudden? What if those you love aren’t even around? Oh God – that would be really bad. I don’t have answers. No one has.

Who knows how will I die? And when? I don’t wish to know that. But I’ll wish I have my family around – my parents, sisters, perhaps T - a friend who has been all that this word ever meant to me, and my elusive lover who still remains elusive. Maybe he's held up in traffic? That I get a chance to say one last time I always loved you all. That I hope I wasn’t much of a trouble, my silliness included. That you gave me the most precious thing – time – when I needed it. That I hope to have lived to your expectations. Sorry Mom – I gave you the hardest time. That I was always sorry for hurt I caused, and the promises life did not offer me a chance to fulfil. That I couldn't make it big, but I held onto my inner voice. That I couldn’t thank you enough for being in my life – for accepting all of me – yet staying like yesterday. That when the earth was going round, you made my world worth this circle- of life and death.

Maybe I’ll never get a chance?

In that case, I’ll go tell them now?

(I have this post - to be on the safer sideJ)

no condolences

He said, '...will you shut me out now'? She said, 'No'. She didn't.
He was tired. She comforted. He was angry. She heard. He was hungry. She felt bad. 
So funny?? She was. He laughed like you.
He needed a friend. She was. He needed a woman. She was. 'You are what I'd been looking for' - he had said.

Then - he left for new- touchable. Made his choice, and hers. 

Now - why the itch? 

Go figure.

For her. No meaningless strings. 

No condolences.

"I am sorry." But when do you really forgive?

I have almost lost someone I opened my heart and life to in a long, long time. I am using ‘almost’ because ‘hope is a good thing’. Yes, that is from Shawshank Redemption.

I don’t 'usually' react when people display anger because there’s always a reason. I wait till they calm down and share why they did what they did. It always works because I believe they are telling me the truth. I don’t take offence or discard it as ‘mere justification’. Instead, I feel they consider me bankable enough to show me their true emotions, knowing I won’t walk away. Call me crazy but bad behaviour from people who you love and care for, establishes their genuineness and the trust they show in you for being ‘themselves’ in that moment. Try opening up to it like we do to good behaviour. Everyone likes the ‘nice you’. But how many people would take the ‘bad you’? The ugly you? And still never change their perception or their treatment of you. Always nice is fake or divine. We all are different people at different times. That doesn’t change the core of our being. It’s a manifestation. I let it be that.

This time, I reacted. For aweful things I said, I was awefully sorry. Maybe I thought it’s too strong a relation to change on my random behavioural anamoly. When there's a malice lingering from past, forgiveness never happens. And the worst part, the guilty shall remain guilty without knowing it ever. Everything they say or do henceforth appears differently. You question if the guilty has a motive, or are they even genuine? You have chosen to believe yourself rather than the person at the other end.

My relationship was a wonderful mix of many little things and a lot else. There was sincerity, openness, and no secrets. Until a suspicion distorted all that was between us. It came to light and the damage could be seen very clearly, even in dark. An email was misconstrued of its content and held me culprit without a case. If you ask me how aweful it feels, my knowledge of vocabulary wouldn’t do justice. Lack of trust is my finding. I just wasn’t trusted enough in any of the spaces we shared. 
Would you loose people who matter on assumptions?

Trust works only one way – when it’s present at both ends. We had a lot of small tiffs earlier but none got blown up ever. Until then the ‘sorry’ were accepted with complete honesty. There was no change in our treatment of each other. Ever. And we never quoted, “….the last time you…”. Personally, I don’t even know how to hold grudges. I cannot sulk for long. I am too restless to do it. When there are two, decisions mustn’t be taken alone. More so when you haven't disclosed, clarifications you haven't sought, fears you haven't shared. Isn't that the first thing to do when you believe in someone? If not, it establishes the distrust you initiated even further, demeaning the entire labor of love that goes into creating a relationship between two people – whatever that is.

It takes a lot to build, and nothing to destroy.

When someone is sorry, they want to be trusted with it. That’s ALL it takes to restore the moment. Insincere forgiveness compounds the guilt – at each end.

Acceptance of all we are is the only way to live. The only way to love. We need it the most when we deserve it the least. 

That’s all the difference between myth and reality.

That’s all the distance from now to always. 

that moment

that moment when you whispered a stranger’s hello as we first met

that moment when our eyes met before you looked away

that moment when you laughed on my random nothings

that moment when you called me midnight to talk riot

that moment when you told me over again ‘we are so similar’

that moment when you murmured you miss me

that moment when you looked through my soul

it felt something like love

that moment when you went without a goodbye

that moment when you turned silent on my silliness

that moment when you never asked me how am i

that moment when nothing in me looked true
that moment when you walked over all that I was

that moment when you hung up with a thud

it hurt something like love

that moment when no moment was as beauftiful on a sunny day
i knew...it could only be love

that moment when i hurt you foolishly...i am sorry

i heard love is when you set it free

homecoming is love forever.

Dear Men

When I was a little girl
I loved everything
You touched me dirty
I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t tell.
Then I grew up young and pretty
I loved dresses, lipsticks
No matter what I wore you made me feel naked
I gave up skirts and covered
You still saw it all
I stepped out for my dreams
And see what world is all about
You groped me at every chance
So I bought a car
You made fun I don’t drive well
Did you ever notice I was nervous of your gaze
Hence I got my glasses tinted
You found it intriguing and followed me
I thought so hard. 
I fought so hard.
Nothing worked.

Now I am free and I am wild
Call me a woman or child
Don’t look at my eyes. Look what they see
Don’t look at my lips. Hear what they say
Don’t touch my body till you feel my soul
Be that Man. Then you truly make me whole.
Until then, let me BE.

You & I

A February winter evening

that awkward restaurant table

nothing to ask or say

yet it looked so perfect

and stayed that way

…with your realities and all of mine

irreplaceable bond that sets us free

uninhibited you and me

now … somehow

deep blue quiet nights

i miss our nothing

i miss you.

that place we wandered halfway. halfway beautiful

‘forever’ makes it on mistakes, acceptance

you’re wise

forget

me. moments. small stuff

just remember

whatever i was looking for

was always You.

BE

be that true love you seek

n the reason in your voice

yet when life runs all amok? patiently BE

be that silence in chaos of you versus ‘i’

the smile on those distant lips

and when tears seep through. quietly BE

be. when they lie. break.  walk away

and when they hold on

then when forgiveness mends moments. abundantly BE

be the thought after futile anger

the listener before all you got to say
and still no one sees your view? understandably BE.

be the acceptance you complain, is lacking

the freedom and more

and as shore lets ocean retreat, to embrace it again. joyfully BE

be the trust you still relentlessly hunt

the peace lost on this road

you still don’t; find it? don’t fret. faithfully BE

be the failure to learn from

   and success that walks to hope

   when strangers acknowledge. humbly BE

   be the passion of the wild

   be the lover clueless of time

   and when curtains draw to a closing scene. timelessly BE

be the mate to your soul

be the soul to your mate

then if all falls apart. re-build BE

be is me and be i am

in endlessness of universe, dissolvably BE

on my mind

You’re on my mind…all the time

its evening…& your car stops outside kitchen window

before I open that oakwood door

your lips on mine say ‘baby i missed you so’

not in real.…i find

its just you on my mind

you know not – my heart beats in hope

we’ll be together soon…with you i’ll see that midnight moon

tell me it’ll last forever

when you’re angry, will you let me go?

just like that?

or hold my hand, until i breathe my last

i see a cozy home with you,

noisy babies too

you walking back from work to our little nest

to many hugs …so do you feel well-loved?

would you cherish these moments in time

or make tangible your only chase?

i feel so yours from so far.. do you ?

or are these games & i’ll loose

do you think of me when i leave you alone

then miss me when radio plays your favourite song

do you question when things go wrong

would u give up all else to make it right –

when we fight

share fears and failures, harsh cold nights

will you keep me warm in love; hold me close

take me with you …into the blue

for everything else and love

tell me you will make it true

coz every morning i wake up to find

you in my eyes, you on my mind…

Between all and none

It was 5 in the evening and I woke up from siesta to thunderous clouds. Even as I got off from bed thinking about the wonderful sight of rain in my balcony, a parallel thought in my head erupted. I had done laundry and clothesline in my backyard was full of fresh conditioned clothes, to get crisp in the afternoon sun. My mother was watching the showers, sitting on a chocolate-colour bean bag in our living room. Dad lay in another bedroom fast asleep after running some errands, in total darkness. No one in my family can sleep with slightest lights on. It is risky at times, especially with the kind of power-cuts we face. But then, old habits die hard or may never die. The parallel thought of ruining laundry completely smothered the other one.

I couldn’t bear that both my mum and dad were totally oblivious to my labor of love. And then I burst with my angry disappointment. Both of them have aged. But for some reason, I fail to acknowledge this truth. And I ignored that at this moment too. My dad who was sleeping woke up hearing my loud mumbling voice to myself and helped me fetch clothes back. This was closest I came to making my biggest display of bad behavior and what happened then was a memory that won’t fade. Not easily.

I went back to my room and continued watching television that I’d fallen asleep watching. Since I’ve chosen to stay off-work for a while, I look for things to keep me busy. Mostly they revolve around workouts, reading or surfing on my laptop - while TV plays for company. And yes, thinking - whether or not to pick a job for financial comfort, and this guy I so love talking to every night. I just feel he sees in me what no one has so far. But I won’t go into those details. About 15 minutes had passed and mom walked into my room and questioned me harsh - what did I say to my dad as he lay on the bed holding his head. I couldn’t believe. I said nothing, except that ugly yell - on why should I always take care of menial things when I am already so stressed about everything in life.

Then a parallel thought ran forward. This time it choked my anger and arrogance. This was realization. And a stark one. Straight in my face. Of what could possible lie ahead. Of what can I loose at this moment because of what did in the last one. Of how I am about to change it all, for the worse; if I let worse happen and don’t fix it right here. Right now. I rushed to his room to find him lying - his shrinking eyes half-open and his wrinkled hands on his heart. That moment screamed with all its might – the reality of aging. And of how we gamble our own.

I, absorbed in my own world of life’s commotion – had so far blatantly chosen to ignore the people who have embraced the worst in me. Did I always know how to talk, walk, eat, and drink? Or to dress up? Tie my shoes or brush my teeth? Or even do my hair. No. Those have been the eyes who have watched every bit I am today and followed me to every remote corner – to save me from getting lost – in places and in life! Getting lost to failures, to heartbreaks, to challenges, to cons. And much more. Those have been the hands that have held mine on roads and gardens, in markets and zoos. And picked me up in arms to save me from mud and ditches; thorns and stones. I stood there guilty as guilty should be. He was still there – with us – for us.  As always. He was breathing. But a lot else had changed. It was hard to contain the negative thoughts that started knocking my skull. What could it be? Heart attack? Haemorrhage? Stroke? Or just high blood pressure. I hoped it was the last, if at all. Mum panicked and called an acquainted doctor home. He checked his pulse, blood pressure, eyes, for about 5 or more minutes. I tried to read his face, even before he spoke.  His expressions were stoic but I chose to focus on when he told us all was well. And there was nothing to worry. He wrote a prescription and advised rest. Perhaps he guessed why what happened - happened in the first place. He suggested dad to not act or react with haste, now that his age is pulling up. Calm mind and thoughtful actions would make a lot of difference in well-being. That was not only an ‘Rx’ to him, but to me and everyone – where everyone is trying extremely hard to keep up with life – and where nothing seems to be going right. Well, mostly.

Even after the doc was long gone, I remained numb and silent. It was too many emotions to comprehend and make sense of how I felt. But the one we call guilt – stood out. It was tough to ask and toughest to answer – What If? The chain of thoughts that followed this two worded question was like a Kaizen ingredient – to better me from what I was that day. At that moment in time. Moment of thought and reflection. My moment of figuring out. So I went on to ask myself - what if I had woken up to rain and forgotten about the clothesline myself? They would’ve got wet and dirty. And I would forgive myself for the loss, and justified it with how hard I work through the day. I was tired. I needed rest. Parents would’ve told me not to worry and we’d re-do them in the machine next morning. End of story. But my mind wasn’t stopping at this close. Like a pop-up window. What if I had woken up and gone out to the backyard looking at the dark skies while enjoying the rain shower and collected the not-so precious clothes. I’ve never stopped loving rains. Wherever, whenever. Maybe mum would’ve offered me a hot cup of ginger tea, like she does often. Wonderful beginning of a pleasant evening? Far better than the first. What if I did not jump out in anger – that had lingered on in my head since last night  - after someone I was hoping to hear from - did not do so. Perhaps I must’ve taken care of soon as it was beginning to feed on my energy. If someone opts out of a situation, why should I allow myself to remain in it – when there are no gains? If someone can be oblivious to me for no fault, why can I do the same? Who was the root cause of the misery that created a bad mood? I knew. It was me…

And then came my last ‘if’. What if dad had not been able to make it through that moment? It was as freaky and as scary a thought as the figure in dark - that we never see, but always scared of. It is a thought that we run away from – with all our might, with all that we have – all our lives. Until it gets hold of us – one day. Sometimes we choose it. Sometimes it chooses us. But was I prepared to choose it for my own people? Don’t we all wish to give up ourselves to save them?  And why? Because we don’t live for ourselves. We live for them. We all live for someone. Whoever that is. If it wasn’t for our parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, and even strangers – most of us would give away life for little brushes of fate – when things didn’t happen as we wanted them to. I shivered, held his hand, and fell crying on his chest – so choked that sorry wouldn’t come out of my lips.

Anger or misdirected anger is an emotion that can completely shut all other. It has the power to crush and destroy everything you have loved and lived for. The after-effect is so dismal that no amount of money can buy and no amount of regret can restore. There is no back-up of people we love that are put up on stake. There will never be one. Remind yourself this.

So the next time, when anger comes calling – don’t pick up.

And that alone can decide - between all and none.

last year, same time

Last year, around this time, I was in England. It was an amazing experience. My first time ever out of my country and the best bit – on my own. I lived it up. Though when I look back – maybe I’ll find things – I now think – could ‘ve been better. For some reason – I settled quickly into the new place. Had I not, things might have been more adventurous. Maybe not. Randomness has its own beauty.

I did not shoot many videos – and I don’t know why. Maybe it could’ve been my own little documentary. Or my memoir of the little lanes and by-lanes, and tiny wet houses I strolled past on my trip to Cumbrian mountains. It was certainly the best evenings I ever spent. In chill and rain…soaking it up all. I particularly remember myself smiling all the time because I was loving every minute of it and people who walked past me returned my smile – thinking I was a tourist trying to make myself comfortable smiling at them. Well I was a tourist. I remember myself looking up in the sky on top of the boat ride I took at Ambleside – telling God how much I love him..for giving me that wonderful moment in time. The snow-clad mountains against a lush green backdrop and dark skies …and then downpours. Getting off on the road and walking in drizzles…oh it was an awesome feeling, hard to describe. I felt like God planned it so perfect – especially for me. I remember the shops I took shelter in…when it got heavy and then bought a purple umbrella for 3 pounds! It matched so well with my white overcoat. On my first evening, walking back to my hotel – that awesome Mughal food in an Indian restaurant on the street. Looking outside over the road- with fine music and the place abuzz with locals and tourists. I sat there wondering – may God bless this man who runs the place. I can have my favorite Indian dish sitting in a remote corner of England! That is so wow. And then buying a red wine bottle – not bc I wanted to drink but bc it was on sale! That was so hilarious. I had too glasses and slept like a baby. Worth the money!! The delightful breakfast and another day in wet mountains. Walking length and breadth ..it was feeling God every moment. Anything more wonderful than getting to see such heaven – without having to die?

And that moment when I stood at the Tower Bridge. It was majestic - with all the lights illuminating Thames on a breezy night. When I saw London in pictures, I used to wonder – maybe one day I’ll be standing there sipping a coffee. I was standing there sipping a Starbucks! Thank God for that moment. I spent several evenings there feeling wonderful but lonely. That pause made me crave to have someone in my life. It still does. That’s a different story. The emotions were a mix of a confident mind telling ‘what’s the big deal?’ and a child-like heart relishing every moment of those events in time. Like my long-lost self was back – out with joy and alive with beauty. The feeling of telling myself not all is lost and I can do it. On my own.

Some days were extremely difficult. I missed home. And though I always knew there’s nothing like it, I realised it even more. The person I trusted all along, humiliated and insulted me. The sole focus that I had put into taking up - into what looked like my only chance – was getting blurred in front of my own eyes for someone who de-railed my whole focus. I stood there helpless. Trying until the end, thinking I’ll get what I’ve come here for. I’ll do something good with my life. Make my people proud. And more importantly, prove to myself that I’m not yet done in life. There’s something beautiful out there for me and I’ll find it. An year later, that quest is still on. But I haven’t yet figured my direction. I keep getting back to doing what I don’t like. Just for money. How else will I sustain myself? I don’t have a single soul to fall back on for my needs or even in crisis. I have to work – whether I like it or not. If I had the luxury, I would have sat in a cozy corner with a big cup of hand-beaten coffee and written my book. Or an article for some magazine I could have been working for – not for money but for passion. But nothing of that sort is happening – not anytime soon atleast. I am not social anymore as I have nothing to talk about. Maybe why anyone needs to know? Good or bad, failure or success..whatever it is, it is my story. Just mine.

I am a woman of a lot of flaws. A lot. Maybe that’s why I drive long distances to reach nowhere. And then pat my back for a wonderful drive and no life-threatening accidents! I might cry for an empty fuel tank for my next destination..and then finally find some. The interesting bit is I repeat all of the above the second time round…where-ever I set out. Soul Seeker? Eternal Lover? So you get the drift?

Tonight

you’re far n out of sight, yet let me tell you how I feel tonight

i so wish you were with me besides

n we’d set these rains on fire, that strong is my desire

how i long for your lips on mine, Oh….they taste soo wine

baby, come on … take me in your arms; lift me up

let’s set rains on fire

that strong is my desire

no, don’t wanna rules or reasons; no inhibitions

we love to love & it’s got no seasons

so baby come on, let’s set rains on fire

that strong is my desire

your breath on my body, hands on my soul; you make me feel so whole

wanna lie on you– watch stars n sky

love that look in your eye…. takes me high

darlin’ let’s set cold moon on fire

that strong is my desire

wanna walk by you on white ocean sands, holding hands

& kiss like an insatiable blue shore,

that’s not all….baby i want you more

let’s set the night on fire

that strong is my desire

my wet hair on your morning face, as we embrace

honey now hold me close, I got time for more

my passion all wild, I ain’t letting u go….Yes I want u so
make me yours, don’t waste more time, 
so let’s set time on fire,

that strong is my desire
paint my skin with everything,

color this night

but oh you’re out of sight
yet i’ll tell you how i feel tonight...

mom

She leaves kitchen in a mess and I rarely see her pick a broom. Her almirah is always open until you remind. Clothes scattered. Bottles always look for their caps. She almost never can speak in a low tone. Teaching did that to her, perhaps. Thinks aloud, and constantly thinks. Lying still is just not her thing. When she calls on my cell while at work, she speaks like I’m 4 and she’s 5. Even before I’ve said bye, she has already hung up. If it were not for contemporary taste, our house would just have picture of Gods and grandparents. Whenever she is free, she prays. Virtually every corner would have incense burning during evening. She has a new ache every day somewhere in her body. A foot massage is her sleep tonic. Yet, parlours don’t see her except for an occasional provocation. Every time she sees a wedding, she waits for my groom. Like, all men have lost it if they can’t find my address.

She is not a cooking freak. Even if I’m in no mood to eat, she’d still cook. Her favourite nuts in hand would be stuffed in my mouth whilst she intended to munch on them. She’s always looking for her reading glasses and slippers. She has seen few and far comforts, yet our complains is all she wants to mitigates. Yet she smiles. I am a riot without her. She keeps me strong and sane and hopeful. She is frail but makes me believe in self. Her being is what can fight Hercules alone. Her optimism is infectious. Her strength unflinching. Her energy constant. She is much more than words can fit.

The kitchen is in a mess again today. But you know what, Mom? It’s alright. It’s perfect.

Just as you.Forgets details and repeats the trifle. She is so full of flaws. I am so irked. I simply dislike her ways. At times, I just shout and argue. She is getting old. Maybe I chose to ignore that on purpose. I don’t want the next thought to invade. Her energy is depleting but she continues to go about her day like she always did. Memory evades her as she struggles to recall the name of the guy I updated her atleast twice yesterday. In all the mundane madness, she has forgotten that her body needs rest. Her stuff remains in mess as she is busy getting our lives in order. Her child-like voice is, but an attempt to hide her fears. Despite everything, she looks for miracles, and that they’d happen. The woman who got lost in marriage and kids has forgotten what her own dreams were. All that exists for her is us. Our well-being is what she keeps asking in her prayers all the time to all the Gods in all those corners. Her voice cracks often when I hug her just like that. I argue about how she couldn’t use her life to the fullest. There was so much to do. So much to learn. 

As I sit down at a wee hour to give this a silent thought, I realize she has been living through me and everyone else all these years. She has been perfect with all those flaws, for mine are much more and growing. Her life is a struggle that seems unending. 

Free

I’ve been feeling this way and I won’t lie

Is it immoral or selfish I don’t have a clue

It’s been long I’ve been there for you

As you were for me

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

Maybe I’ll miss you when I am far

I’ll be sorry for being harsh

Knowing I’ve put you through rough times

I had mine, you know too

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

Times I wonder what happened to all the love between us

Perhaps some distance may restore what we lost

Perhaps life just slipped in all the fuss

Funny we chased each other’s dreams, then blamed amongst

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

I’d love you while I’m away

miss your voice I couldn’t notice; advice I didn’t obey

Perhaps ‘twas all worth the hardships we faced

Memories of togetherness are what will remain of this time

I’ve a feeling - I’ll look back and cry

And ‘it’d all make sense someday

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

I know you’re hurt, I know you’d forgive me yet

Its strange in so many years, we haven’t ‘met’

And we mustn’t loose our only chance

It’ll lead to a whole new meaning, I have a feeling

Trust me it won’t be bad

But maybe now it’s got too much and I want to break free

We got one life n time’s running out

I’ve yet to find myself, to be yours in a better way

Or maybe still choose to keep away

Whatever I do, wherever am I

I’d always love you, that’s no lie;  

But now it’s got too much, and I want to break free

The Psychology of Lame Networking

Why anything that doesn’t make it to your Facebook wall appears an achievement gone waste, happiness incomplete and a moment understated? Why everything, however trifle, has to be shouted to an entire world, when honestly no one cares who you are. Is it shallow need for recognition from the clan who are equally needy of it from you? While some use it as a brilliant platform for awareness and meaningful causes, with of course very rare successful ones; a majority is here for gimmick. The people who drive lame networking. Useless yet irresistible.

Why have we become so un-thoughtful to taking joy in our private moments? Why what you do in your bedroom has to be known by everyone? Whatever happened to the beauty of silence and unsaid expressions? Who is interested in knowing where you are having your dinner, which spa you rejuvenated at or what your spouse got on your birthday. What happened to your favourite dress or which perfume brand you love. Many would wonder if you really have it in your wardrobe. It’s hilarious to notice how even appreciation happens on a very intricate calculation of giving and receiving. Why have we stopped enjoying our real surroundings? Real companies? Real conversations? Real admiration? Have we simply become oblivious to all those? Or we are scared of not being heard in our real world? For, we have nothing noteworthy to say and there’s nothing noticeable in our everyday nonsense or rare fancy stuff? There are several who would come to defence and cry about not knowing joys of sharing. But I strongly disagree, for sharing is an intangible joy. It can’t be measured in any amount of likes or comments or whatever other funny metrics used to measure our e-happiness. What has led us to this stage? When a virtual page has become our only source of being noticed?

In the fast paced life, demanding workplaces, hard to resist distractions, and growing discords at home, touchscreens awkwardly help us find time to do lame talk. Anytime. Anywhere. Because we desperately seek an opinion on everything we do or say. Otherwise nothing seems to make sense. When unnoticed, we question our own thoughts and expressions. Seeking attention becomes our goal instead of a by-product. The whole idea of networking aggressively continuously is a dangerous instrument for beating sciamachy. That of loneliness. Human touch pushed to the side by invasive virtual reality which provides an illusionary comfort of company, when in reality none exists. Everyone wants to talk and everyone wants to be heard. Ironically, there are no listeners. And definitely no quality listeners. Time, the only resource of your being and existence - is relentlessly spent on establishing a disconnection. Voyeurism of our very own journey. That, when it has very little to offer if we don’t have a purpose of life in it. Not everyone follows the herd mentality and perhaps, that is the saving grace. There are few who have a thought that is both meaningful and novel which could compel you to notice, ponder and practice. It could be an idea or an experience or a problem. And that is where reaching out makes a lot of sense. Someone could get better at something. Someone faceless can take up a chance to be heard or known. Albeit for a forgettable thing, which mostly is the case. Yet, I’d prefer it to be a real one that gives you an opportunity to make a contact for real. Eye to eye, voice to voice, heart to heart and mind to mind.

Take a step back and give yourself that opportunity again. That is the only bit that separates humans from machines. The power to feel, touch and emote them with a twinkle in your eye. Don’t let robots overtake the beauty of it all. Update your goals, not statuses – which are again mostly stolen. Refresh your outlook in life, not pages. Enjoy your time. Enjoy your silence. Enjoy yourself. Take time out for the real world. Observe. People, places, and mundane. Relish it. Learn or ignore but take the chance to make that choice. Next time when you are walking down the street, look up and look around. Keep your eyes off that phone. For the screen you are on - in this world is far bigger, with a brighter display and a resolution to die for. Why settle for small stuff?

I - Define

I'm
Spring. Touch me
Hope. Take my hand
Trust. Keep walking
Strength. Don't fear
Excitement. Just enjoy
Beauty. Look around
Silly. Smile often
Tender. Handle fragile
Simple. Explore slow
Love. Feel within
Eternity. Fall free
                            Made for you..
                                                                  a woman

Paintings on my skin....

I really don't know if I must reveal my secret sensual longings to an entire world. I am pretty old-fashioned and reticent, on things so personal. Guess its about telling things to myself, and not as much about you reading it. So I must go on...The moment screams to uncork. (Or maybe I'm a plain idiot). I smile to myself. I am anonymous. Advantage point??

In the backdrop...people crossed my path. Hammered my heart into a billion pieces. So many years. Many confessions of undying love only to reveal a mutilated corpse of vain, unkept promises, and crushed trust. I shattered like a glass-sky let loose. Cried for nights in a row. I walked like dead, over many days..so many seasons, fearing more hurt. Those weren't the kinds I desired and deserved. I did not curse for, people who don't value love and companionship must better be forgiven. They are already underprivileged.

My life beats for the one who'd stay by my side until I die. You, my yet-to-happen man. I long for you. I'm sure you'd cross every obstacle to make me your princess. You wont give me excuses of us being any other way, coz you know this way is the right way. Maybe I must want you hard? Pray harder?? I don't know the when-how-why's of our story. But I've faith you'll be reading me, wherever you are. Some part of this not-so-big world. Some city. Some office. Some place. Maybe you're sipping some hot coffee. Relaxing at a party. Some outing. Or a movie. I don't know. But I know, you'll be wanting me. Exactly like I'm thinking now....I love every bit of you just as you do. You are there for me when I need you the most. You love me the way I am. Your witty nothings make me laugh at odd times. You support my dreams in life. Your embrace reaffirms my belief in self when I am down. With the pillow of your arm under my head, I sleep like a baby. You long for me when I am not around. You make me feel so beautiful by that stolen glance from corner of your eyes, while reading your newspaper. You tickle my senses when your fingers tuck my carefree locks behind my ears. You make me your best friend when you confess cozy, curious desires in a naughty smile. I've no idea of where you've been hiding. Why aren't you here with me. But I know, someday..someway...we'll be together baby. Don't let me down.

You are the love of my life. I love it when you call me early mornings and say you did it to hear my sleepy-sexy voice. I love it when you leave everything behind to be with me and wait for a lonely moment to hold me tight. So tight, I hear your heartbeats. I sense your footsteps towards my existence, your longing to get close. Very very close. I love it when you playfully push me to wall, overpowering, and fill my fingers within yours. I so love it when you make my skin go weak, moving your lips down the curves of my neck and shoulders. And your eyes...deep dark eyes.. undress me, even before your hands find their way to hooks of my dress. My heart skips uncountable beats when you throw away your barriers for this moment. When you carry me in your arms to silk sheets, I long for what you are up to next. No, keep dim lights on and let some soft music play. You know I like it that way. I struggle to un-close my eyes, cant miss that look in yours. You look best this way. I wouldn't trade you off for earth beneath or heavens above. And when you search for my crests and troughs..I so love it when you make that exploratory random art on my skin with passion-soaked brushes of lips and hands. You create sizzling splashes on the palette of my senses. Why do you love to see me wild...wilder. And love it when I surrender. Each moment of our togtherness makes it a lifetime. Everytime, I sense you besides me I feel fresh as a daisy, with raindrops above. You touch ignites our love in all its glory. You instill life into my dead soul. And when your love holds your lust in hand, it makes a fatal twosome. I'd say no further and dilute our temptuous, irresistible ecstasy. Its a high of a dozen tequila shots...

Oh..honey, come on now. Wherever you are. Make a move coz you are making me uncontrollably restless. Don't shop for diamonds and delay coz I love your red roses on my bedside. Lets build our little world and cherish it. Lets extract life's intoxicating juices from these ordinary moments slipping by. Lets make a couple of tiny love bundles. Watch them grow. Lets play crazy lovers at every opportunity. Just step in that door & walk straight into my life. Fill me up in your arms. The canvas on my skin is waiting...