that girl, that wanderer...

She pulled her heart for a wash in sudden cold rain

much like 4x4 that rolls out of a muddy ditch

hummingbird calls, embark on another trip. Its autumn.

unseasonal storms; her lovely dark-kohled eyes itch

lazy road. a yellow milestone reads 'go.fly'

carelessly she leans over; watch a car zip by

an abrupt thought - her stare fixed down this dusty, worn stretch

its purple dusk, golden sun begins to set.

that place - she wonders - is it somewhere around
and tired feet move in haste
crumbling against 'flame-of-forest' outside unopened door
put over yours; & her trembling, dry lips 've so much taste

gentle touch wrapped in gush of wind - untangles wild thoughts light

spots a paper-kite dancing in utter delight,

world's ignorant - wind's crazy; it hitched kite for company

no caution, fear. flying together feels just so right - tonight.

unravel, unveil - who's she? your kite or your wind;

until then, I lean over that yellow milestone. that girl, that wanderer...

Is it happening...or....(forget it)

Yeah, seems like an era I met myself. It could have possibly to do with my unpaid occupation of an extravagant thinking, with no annual appraisals in place. Guess its one of those times, when either you have nothing temptuous to disclose, or there is so much that if it were 'food' for thought, it could resemble a vegetable platter, served steaming hot!

So here I am with more of my old new stuff. I've been busy figuring out a way to your eternal 'what next' puzzle. It cajoles me for an overhauling of this thing - ummm - yeah, life. Life that was bumping through several frictional rides for utter lack of 'emotional greasing', and looked a bit rusted here and there. An enchanting everyday mind-jog on a winding green road is making my heart thump, with renewed vigor and vibrancy, with desire of not wanting to stop. Am I not sure what's so substantially worthy, lusty that is making it look different, and exciting at this moment, or maybe I don't want to share? Whatever happened to an internally placid me? I rush, I sing, I smile, I joke, I stare, I fancy, I see whats not. Probably all strong indicators that I am behaving pretty dumb. I am scared. Scared of how I am feeling. And trying not to let it getaway to forefronts of my so freely-spilled 'verbal endeavors'. Is there something I am wanting to look-forward-to? I know the answer. I refuse to accept it. What if it leads someone to receive it at back-foot? No, I don't want to get sucked into that whirlwind again. Maybe, its a safe idea to be a little dishonest. You want to know if dishonesty with self works? I guess not. Yet, I do believe even if we have all been through 'oh-you-don't-know-how-terrible-it-was' in life before, either for our own presumptions or for someone's lack of judgment, we would never get out of that paranoia, if we don't give ourselves yet another chance, yet one more time, with honesty and belief. Not just in yourself but in person across the vision in your eyes. No two people from two opposite ends could meet if they don't walk 'towards' each other. If one moves for belief and other stands still for fear, it looks a tedious journey for one and a taxing, uncertain wait for latter.

While you are still spinning a yarn, can you color it through test conditions and conclude how would it behave? Most likely, not. However, if you focus on its 'in-the-making' process, and what goes into it, there are bright chances of you being content with results. Isn't that how you develop a bond that withstands the rough weather? You need to believe in me, my words, my expressions, intentions, and my subtle clues dropped all over. Let yourself free and it surely leads you to what you unconsciously keep telling yourself to happen. Doubt - and it vanishes into thin air.

Make me believe in you. Assure me. Express to me. Tell me its happening. Negate ambiguity. Every move you make to me gives me courage to take one towards you. Its as if I walk hands-free on the so-slippery edge of an irresistible ardor. All it would take, is a soft push to dive deep and emerge on that opposite shore. Where you are.

Its all possible. To have someone besides, and never know what its all about
                       To be oceans apart; feel it and never doubt
                       To stop for fear; to fail and try again
                       To live in a moment; or die counting your loss and gain
                       To say yet never love; to love and never say
                       Only what you desire comes to you. It all finds a way....

And say that you want me....

I watch snow by my window sill. Its a 'still' night
memories drop one over other, all white.
it makes me weak. dry eyes swell
alone - I'm not well
my soul's tired. just hold me close n tight
touch me; be no longer out of sight
I am not okay. You guess it right,
I pretend otherwise..
as we laugh together, fears subside
its gonna be alright.
tell me so. and that you are making way
let it happen. then make it stay
don't hold back
it wont lack.
the story begins from here, you n me
when you look into my eyes - and say you want me...

background noises...

I don't want to pray to God to answer my stuff; it never works.
I don't want to be working at my current job; its time for the big leap.
I don't want to stay in this city anymore; but hell...nothing else is making way.
I don't want to see everyone falling in love -getting married - having babies; i feel jealous.
I don't want to chase on slippery edges; not more wounds to nurse.
I don't want to be nice to people; be blunt - just as they 've been.
I don't want to be told how good I am; it sounds too fake. 

I don't want to make compromises coz time is running away. Who's doing that for me?
I don't want to be funny and make you smile all the time; it doesn't get you any closer.
I don't want to be convinced on how you think it should be; it makes no sense.
I don't want to be there anymore for you when you desire
I don't want to make you feel important; I don't matter to you.
I don't want to listen to your stories anymore; don't want to share mine either. Its useless.
I don't want to prove anything. Like you 'are'. so I 'am'.
I don't want lollipops; I am not 16.
I don't want platonic nonsense; I am not 60.
I don't want anything less than love.
....for everything else, they made a master card.

& they say all's well in the end....?

A glance in full-length mirror

some final touch

I'm ready to smile, face another day

zipping through mad traffic

halt at red light

a flash through my mind

no signs...of someone

life eluded me again,,clever

And now am back to a dark room
On tv, they talk of rains, romance 
I must listen to some news.

yet another day 

closer to an end

No, its not what I'm scared of

Dont desire to end alone...

& so I paused...

Everyone tells me they move on. The world moves on. Sometimes it moves on quick, very quick. For life is beautiful.
I reflect, if I move on - how am I to know who you are? Isn't that why you're moving on? Isn't that why we all are? Uncanny.
And if you move on - and move on fast - as you insist; how are you to know what is coming your way. What came your way? For, you just move on.
Then you come back. And, you keep coming back. You never realize. You never admit. That's alright - I tell myself. Let me listen once more what you got to say. And all you say is - you move on.

So move on. For, if I move on - you wont find me standing where you reach every time you move on.

Give me a moment please...Oh look what I found: Is that Me......??

Good men, women still believe, are always protective of them. There's an old world, eternal charm to it. A new lover of his girl, a husband of his wife, a brother of his sister, and dads of their little daughters - who perhaps are 'little' forever. To be taken care of is such a beautiful feeling. That's no secret. Our historical preview clearly depicts the men as hunters and providers, while women nurtured life at home. That home reflected her presence in every corner, in its very scent.

Today's times are changing. Women compete alongside men in every single aspect. They multi-task outside home while men convincingly do their domestic bit. Modern men seem to have a consistently growing admiration of us - the modern day women. The outgoing, smart, self-made, and ready-to-take-on-anything woman. I might be an exception to say that while I am proud I am one of so called gen-next woman, am I steadily and reluctantly receding from old beautiful joys of being a woman. Is it normal and acceptable to be wanting an opportunity to be all woman - subtle, sensual, spirited. Or is it a psychological anomaly?? To reckon with the old school of relationships that's mocked away in bemusement. Is it not anymore charming to to give in and go with the flow to absorb togetherness. Or are we fighting so hard to prove everyone otherwise that we wont even stop to analyze if we're liking it at all?. It seems for-granted 'coz its for-granted we don't need this one. Is chivalry no more the 'man' thing? Has having a partner who worries about you when he/she away become 'space-invasion'? A 100% 'WE' is made of 50% 'you' and 50% 'me'. No more, and better not less? Its all about good calculations. I can't really say how comfortable am I with this 'don't mess with me' or 'be damned' kind of trend. Maybe, we do it coz any other way could be fatal. You know, trust today is like seeking virginity in a brothel. Decoding mangled modernity.

There is a man who, for me, personifies love and tender care. My dad. I did not have the privilege of a brother's affection or a lover's protection. It was only dad. When I was young, he would help me with homework, take me school, fetch me to playgrounds, and panic endlessly when I was late. Wherever I was, he would make sure, I was safe and back home before dark. If my mum ever got late to get me back from a friend's place, she was prepared to be at receiving end. When I ever hurt myself, my dad would rush me to the doctor like world would end. There weren't any boys in my home. Yet I had sports equipment that included cricket bat, hockey, football, tennis and badminton rackets. (I just liked badminton, though). I had one favorite doll that was a beautiful thing and very treasured. He never bought me a kitchen-set ever. And when my mum insisted on getting one to shape my domestic skills, my dad refused. He said I would cook well anyways, when I get married. He never really enjoyed see me doing tasks. There were times when he was strict on studies but he, and mum, made sure I always get to do what I love. Whatever it be - music, painting, writing, debates, poetry, clay-art. I tried most of it, and rather well. I chose a dynamic 'Street-Cat' bicycle instead of the girly 'Ladybird'. Everything about my likes and dislikes displayed my confident, free-spirit side.  I had my full share of freedom but taught why and how not to abuse it. Yet, I never parted with my soft, vulnerable self.

If I carefully ponder over that life gone by, I can precisely understand why I am what I am. A very strong personality. You wont miss that. I've been nurtured that way - to be strong and carry out life with self-sufficiency. And I certainly do - banking, grocery, shopping, maintenance, budgeting, investments, planning, car repairs, and everything you need to keep life going these days, sans support. Spend time with me and you break-through that often misinterpreted image. I am strikingly opposite. The only man well-versed with this fact is dad. Now, my tough dad has aged....Still protective, his presence is like a subtle realization that there's none other than him to make me feel protected and cared for. Times, throughout and often, I desire someone else to make me feel as special. And my old, yet strong, father can recline and relax. When he wont have to call me 7p.m. sharp to find out how many more minutes to make it home. When he wont have to loose his sleep over who would look after his darling daughters when he ages further. When he, who never ever expressed his moments of pain and anguish openly, wont have his gentle eyes swell up red with tears, about to roll down his now wrinkled face. And maybe, when I wont have be strong and scuttle everywhere to run my life. When I'm allowed to be weak. I am allowed to be vulnerable without fear of being exploited . When I could let my guards down permanently. When my confident, intimidating outer-self can safely give way to reveal the real me - a lovable, simple and carefree 'me'. A 'me' who cries and sobs when hurt, a 'me' who is scared to sleep alone after watching horror movies, a 'me' who wants to sit on seat next to the driver's , a 'me' who wants to be consoled and pacified, a 'me' who wants to be taken in cover of arms like it'll all be fine. Just so.

Dad, a man who has taken care of not one but four women. His wife and three daughters. And does it with elan. Now, three fine men for three of us. Perhaps. The men who would respect you and mum for what you would gift them as their wives, companions, friends - your daughters. Everything else would be trifle. Those who would cherish us - the wonderfully brought up girls. Your girls.

So dad, when your old hands tremble to prevent me fall and hurt myself, do not worry. Be sure life would offer me a solid grip of someone who takes over from there. A complete man. Sincere, protective, lovable. Just as you have been.

"....and today strong winds won't douse that flickering flame,
not coz it knows to fight 'em, but coz your hands give it a cover..."

Rains....take me away, a secret place..a sweet escape

 

The weather outside has set my mood. For love and romance. While I still wait for the one to share it with, my soul breaks into bits for moments like these. When music is sound of raindrops hitting surfaces, rough & smooth, without discrimination. When trees display green like someone splashed it on, and when chirping birds are what best mornings made of. And I thought this is the best time to talk about things no one, just no one knows about me...Some of it is weird, some of it funny, and maybe a little of it even lovable? But hey, its what makes 'ME'... So would you like to know me as I know myself..Then read on.

1. Music is my food for soul. More so while driving. I often break into a jig (yes) without realizing the world around. When I find people looking at me, that's when I stop. But its my car, so its okay. Right?

2. I can't move my lips while applying lipsticks..you know like left-right-left-right. I just move the lipstick. I'm sure women would know what I'm talking about.

3. While I'm sitting completely idle, I usually look at my hands and feet. Let's call it self-admiration.

4. When in shower, with soap foam on my face and eyes, I always fear I would see a lizard when I open my eyes. It used to be a crocodile when I was a little girl.

5. I spend 'me' time either singing to myself or moon/star gazing and thinking

6. The first thing I do, after my guests leave home, is to set the cushions, couches right. I hate un-orderliness.

7. I am a list-o-holic. I list almost everything. Shopping, banking, pending jobs, bills, statements, and sometimes even questions I might want to pose to someone. Guess, its just being an efficient time manager. I never ever skip my due-dates.

8. While lying down, I tangle up my toes in one another. When bored, I try to walk on my toes in a straight line, in a cat-like fashion.

9. While doing up rooms, I often tend to walk in like an outsider to discover which place would draw attention. 

10. There's a certain way my clothes, cosmetics & perfumes line up my almirah. I can pick up the right stuff even when its pitch dark.

11. I have a penchant for collecting perfume bottles. I never throw them away. 

12. The smell of incense sticks & wet mud are most lovable. I sometimes light incense & close the room so when I enter back, just a faint zing remains.

13. I can NOT sleep with jewelry on.
14. I can not walk barefoot. Hate to get my feet dirty even if the floor is sparkling clean.

15. I always fantasize to marry only when the guy goes down on his knees, either on a beach or in a public place full of people. I hope that happens without my telling him.

16. I love being scolded at times, by close ones (strictly). Sometimes, I purposely do/say things that irk them, to let them enjoy the control. It gives me a sense of love & belonging. Beautiful.

     ..and there's a lot more...(shall I continue this...??)

Random - A life here & there...

I've always been somewhat fascinated by the English/American cinema. These days I am doing a pending, much wanted pass-time of watching movies. Lots of them. The best of it is the subtlety they portray - be it the locales, speech modes, dialogues, or emotions. What I love most is the punch it carries, wrapped smooth. It bowls me over and (you can say I've almost gone berserk for Rob Pattinson after watching Twilight & Remember Me). So freakingly gorgeous. Not just that, he's damn good at his interviews - humble and hilarious, yet classy. Guess, just the mix to make a star. Which he already is. Maybe, my love for their cinema is 'coz nothing about it is routine. Anything that you see daily around you makes it drab indeed. So am kinda done with our stuff - Bollywood. The last I saw was Kites although it still had unrequired yet indispensable mix of songs, dance, and action. But it was a good try. Actually I am not a movie buff to core and neither do I typically write about them. Nonetheless, I like sensible subtle cinema. And all of it leads me to the thought that life in that part of this big world must be experienced. That in no way implies life here is bad, but it certainly has got bore. I desire to add variety - coz I firmly believe it nourishes and enriches personality and one's aspects, perspectives to live life. Traveling is one such vocation course and every chance must be grabbed. While I am not sure when would I be able to grab one and what would take me to it - work or marriage- I would love to do it sooner than later. Sort of get out the parochial set-ups of society and live free for a while. I really don't want to be stuck at one place all of my life. There is so much to see and enjoy, even if you don't completely understand it. Freedom is relaxing. That's not to say I dont have it now. But freedom has different flavors. The expression bit conspicuously misses from our lives here. Even affectionate display is frowned upon. But what about the basic etiquettes that no one thinks about. Pushing people, never queing up anywhere, howling kids in theatre, and virtually every public manner detail. Saying please and thank you doesn't come naturally, only God knows why. Maybe, new money and affluence that has earned rotten heads.

Maybe I am sounding irrelevant here, its important I get it out. I am meeting people for the reason of settling down. And I firmly feel if you've not learnt even basic stuff of how to treat a lady, your degrees and pay packet hardly makes a difference to me. As a woman, it is important to find someone who I can not just love but respect too. And that calls for wisdom, maturity, and sensitivity. Also, I need to see that passion through. Without it, all else is a waste. Though the world around forces me to come out of my fantasy world and compromise..but somewhere my heart holds me back I still believe my kinda love would come by.
 

Correlation: Good judgement & bad experience

Okay..I aint back to make a complaint. But to share an amusing incident in progress. In the backdrop of my current job, I've been semi-actively (not hunting myself rather let my CV on job portals get headhunting firms call me) looking out to get back into the groove. To make things clear, this is my first so far in 8 almost years at an Indian firm after a series of MNCs, and in a completely different industry. From business research & consulting to an IT solutions provider. Things have been okay so far. I mean, its an easy place. Not much work pressure, no harassment, less travel time, flex-timings, and a cordial atmosphere. A peace of mind thing. However, there are stark differences in the organization culture, process handling etc which in foreign firms, are indeed very professional and objective-oriented in nature. Hence, I've been thinking of getting back at what I was best at, and not get comfortable & lazy so early in life.

In what appeared like a very well synchronized occurrence from a divine intervention, I received a mail from an MD&CEO of another small start-up Indian firm (who had had a telecon interview with me last year and  somehow it couldn't materialize into a personal meeting for unknown reasons until I picked up my current job) asking me how was I doing etc and that he was looking for someone in HR&OD. Though my experience is by-far diverse and thick, I did express my interest as I am confident I'll pull it with ease, if the designation and profile suited my future plans to diversify. However, I tried not to appear over-excited and in need thus having him chase me. He did and things started on a fine note. Interestingly, he offered me the title that I genuinely want to get off. Genuinely. Hence, I clarified and convinced him to right effect and he seemed to be okay. He mentioned of a new guy and how he decided to send him to his new London office. Well, I aint the falling for this 'bait'. I got enough to probably holiday there. And already being in well-paid job, I am careful of my next career move. It has to fall in line with my long-term goals. Anyways, so probably he wanted to convince me to accept and I wanted him to be convinced of me not accepting any of it.

After him following up with me for a week, I sent him my CV, which has indeed been termed as 'impressive' by a lot of employers and recruitment firms. Things got strange when a couple of days back, I got a call from his EA (who's a fresher & has been there for just 2 months) asking me to give him a time for a conversation. Obviously, the purpose wasn't clear and I was wondering if he has been given the task of convincing me for his current role. Anyways, I did give him a time and he never bothered to call then. Instead, he gave me a call the next evening citing his grueling schedule. Huh? Excuse me. You are giving a call to a person who's much senior to you in age, experience, and exposure. That's something to be noted and respected. I've recruited many a people at that level. As for my current role, circumstances do go bad at times but that doesn't mean you aren't worth better stuff in life. The most amusing thing was he instead wanted me to come over & meet him at a coffee house on Sunday! I mean 'Are you kidding me?' I declined and asked him to schedule it on Monday morning and choose a place on way to my office so that I can stop over for a chit-chat, if that was his objective. He called me again on Sunday evening and said he couldn't find a decent place and I should rather drop by his office!! Was that some kind of a joke? Its his idea and he is unable to put it into place each time. No planning and time management skills. I know he's a fresher. What pissed me off was his attitude. I was amused & irritated when he responded saying he wont 'allow' me to change his processes!! Beep-Beep-Beep. I thought! What processes? Do they have a process of calling people for coffee for chit-chats? And then he went completely off the line saying he would like to see me in person to be able to 'map' me for different profiles. Bloody hell! He aint either qualified or experienced enough to do that. I told him that - 1st- it was his idea to first telecon & then change it to a personal meeting so its he who's changing processes (if it can be termed so) and not me. 2nd-  I sent my CV to his MD and not to him so I 've no clue how he got involved to establish his immaturity. 3rd - I'm obviously not free as per his moods & conditions and that he must first consult his boss, decide on a formal time, date & venue and email it to me coz that's the right process of taking things in an official fashion. That's the real 'PROCESS'.

As of now, they have not got back to me. If this guy does, I don't think I must take his call. And if his boss does, I'd explain how success should come only after the right exposure and experience or else it does more harm than good to the company. I guess, this guy got on a high just by the mere opportunity of weighing a candidate, by far more qualified and experienced than he himself is, and made a mess of things sounding authoritative. Anyways, if I do meet the boss, do you think I must take up the job even if they offer me a role & title of my choice? I aint keen now for a boss who doesn't give a thought as who should be interacting with whom, is probably not a good decision maker himself? As for the opportunities, I am sure there are plenty if I give it a serious try. I would really welcome reader's thoughts on this post. Its an interesting piece of bad experience. Yes, in progress.

My morning chase...

I was taking a right turn on way to my earning source. My indicator was blinking tirelessly when a guy in a white-four-wheel-set acted a little smart, space invading in between by taking a narrow cut, coming from the wrong side of road! (Well, it ain't news that our traffic police is paid to yawn and expand their protruding bellies.) Obviously, he hit my treasured pride from the side. He adopted to escape the scene swirling his steering towards left, zapping to extreme left end of road. Sped. I wasn't letting him go. No way. Am sure had I performed his 'expert' act, people would've stared at me with just one thought - 'lady driver'! It was the rush hour and traffic was thick. Yet, the chase began...

I put my foot on accelerator and zoomed after him. At the next red light, I pulled my car besides him, rolled down my glass, and asked him to park at side. He didn't budge. A guy - thus, a perpetual *** in making. He sped again. So did this lady. Though my focus was his broken, bad car, I kept my cool. Yet, I was in no mood to let him get away. By now, his manhood seemed to be at stake. Only, he didn't know he was about to be robbed of it in a matter of minutes.

He swiftly diverted his car to the service lane. I took a cut too, pulled the car, and hit the brake pad right in front of his. Yay..I pinned him!!! Roughly a 7 min. chase. He had to get out of the thing called an 'insult' to 4-wheel lovers like me. He had no choice. He started yelling a series of excuses in broken, ill-taught English. I wonder why do people adopt this language when it wants to free itself from such language abusers. His facial expressions: Unrepentant and obviously not sorry. Instead, he made a failed try to scare me by throwing weight around...'I'm so & so's son'...Huh! Who's that?? & Who cares? I told him either he pays up for damage or I'm calling the police. He almost lost it. Finally, he came up with that his mum was in hospital...Phheww. I was sure he was lying but the thought ran...'just in case'. My sensitive instincts played and I let him go.

I was relieved to find only minor scratches. The damage was minor and money was not the question. Yet, he was at fault and could've politely apologized. It was his attitude that irked me bad. Have we, as humans, become so oblivious to everything around us that 'Sorry' is Greek to our behavior. Or is that coz I'm a woman? I'm sure he thought she wouldn't catch me anyway. I witness rash male drivers giving ludicrous stares at women drivers, as if steering wheel in our hands is no less a sin than humming translated Eminem lyrics in Taliban. Why don't they introspect themselves everytime they ridicule a woman? And count how many seconds/minutes have passed since the time their own preposterous driving skills and traffic sense almost killed someone.

This guy I chased is sure going to be feeling low for the rest of day, even if his mum isn't hospitalized. So men, every time, you mock at some woman behind wheels, look at yourself and by-heart a traffic rule book. And if you do still make mistakes, atleast act civilized. Coz guess what...you never know when you brush someone the wrong way, and loose much of your overrated stuff.

I'm sure gonna feel nice (even after those minor lines on my black baby :-) )

Start now > keep in progress> never stop: Attitude for Gratitude

I've been feeling a definite distaste in my life for quite sometime. I'm sure I crib a lot and my blogs reflect the same mood. Why do I have complaints, disgust, and anger brimming in my head all the time? It aint nice. Is my life really that bad or is that what I've forced myself into believing. There are countless souls who are in much more terrible state and are abysmally distraught than I am. I watch it on TV and read in papers all time. Then why do I complain so often about everything...right from my workplace to the lack of right pair of shoes to match my dress. Guess everything looks pathetic coz that's the way I think all the time. Recently, I read an article on 'Law of Attraction' that emphasizes on how you attract whatever you keep thinking about. Maybe nothing in my world goes right coz I focus on 'I dont want this' rather than 'I want this. I want this' all the time. Every single time.

Starting today, I make a practice to stop complaining and express gratitude which has been virtually non-existent until now, atleast consciously. I list things that I'm truly blessed to have and experience in my life so far...

1. Wonderful family: I absolutely love my parents and siblings for the unconditional love & support that they've offered and continue to do so each day. They've rejoiced my successes, felt my failures, and inspired me until I got up. I pray that every child is blessed with a family like that.

2. Amazing childhood: Cant thank God enough for wonderful, cherishable childhood I witnessed. Coming from a middle-class background, I was almost brought-up like a princess. In days when only rarely, people understood photography, I've albums full of those wonderful times, when my mum dressed me up & my dad took us to beautiful gardens on Sundays and shoot us in every mood. The best thing? They still continue to treat me like a princess...!

3. Great Education: I received my education from the best schools in my city. The BEST. I was the 1st in my neighborhood to get admission in that one. The rest followed. Everything I am today, I owe it to that place and people who got me there - Mum & Dad. I loved my school. Red-bricked architecture amidst beautiful, serene locale lined with eucalyptuses, rose gardens, & pansies. My love for nature began in those premises. Nostalgia...

4. Polished Persona: I'm of the fortunate few who received a lot of admiration from people around me- Parents, teachers, friends. Each of them had an influence that shaped the person I am today, inspiring me in their own little ways. Unearthed a singer, writer, orator, painter, while being equally fine in academics. I owe a big thank- you to you all wherever you are. 

5. Steer through crisis: Like almost everyone, we suffered huge huge crisis. Financial setbacks leading to emotional and mental turmoils. I now realize - it was a lesson in disguise. Its worth appreciating how my studies continued without a break. I secured scholarship for 2 yr straight during my Masters. It was meager yet significant. Yes, I didn't have enough to buy books and good clothes but I managed with a good library. I also learnt the word 'management' in its truest sense that geared me up for tougher times. Today I'm confident, I'll able to steer myself and my loved ones when I've 200 bucks while I work to get 2000. I'd manage. 

6. A place on dais of life: When I moved to a metro to establish myself, I had virtually nothing. As I'm writing this, I want to apologize for overlooking where life has got me today. I live in most plush locality with most comforts required. I drive a sedan of my own. I can afford labels I desire. My closet is full. My forgotten friends might be having a more luxurious life and exotic holidaying with hubbies, but none got this far on their own. Most have 'acquired' those through a 'merger' called 'marriage'. Shouldn't I be proud of myself? 

7. Bettering after setbacks: Life hasn't been easy. Its easy for none. Today, I see the goodness of it not having worked out. Its PAST. So I wait for best that's yet to come. 

8. Good food on my table each day must not be missed. There are many hungry stomachs in this world.

9. Vacations I enjoyed in the past 2 years.

10. Jobs I switched. Okay, its not the one that does justice to my abilities or gives me very fat salary yet its comfortable. There are many who slog it out everyday. And I'm certain I'll land where I want to..someday soon.

11. Getting younger. I feel I'm growing to be more young-chirpy-charming girl at heart. Beautiful from within and outside. I understand myself much better than I did. I am surer of what I want in life..the kind of person I would like to spend my life with..and deeper connections of hearts and souls.

12. Ability to forgive all those who hurt me for no reasons. I pray God gives strength to you all and at some point to realize its wonderful to stand up for what you believe in. 

There are countless things that make world wonderful. Nature, seas, mountains, chirping of morning birds, flowers, music, movies, seasons, home appliances, gadgets, cars, luxurious homes, etc etc. How can I neglect all that's worthy? Maybe, its time to test the power of thought. Perhaps, its time I shift my focus to its presence around than absence.Unravel the 'secret' and watch miracles. 

The 'law of attraction'...remember.

When loneliness sticks like a glue....even then, I dont want you.

- Mummy's boys: If you can smell them from a distance, even better. They are capable of growing out only in one place*. Resist the temptations. For long-term benefits and a good peaceful life. For your sake!!

- Loves you, Wont marry: A clever breed who sure knows how to woo a woman. They would do all that's expected of them. But just when you'd be busy fancying colors on your bedroom walls & curtain fabrics; he'd get disabled in head and slip into coma. Morons. Avoid.

- Cant hide & wont express: The weirdest of all, he would be thinking of you day and night and wouldn't shy from telling you so. He would drop hints, but would never go to he extent of making you think he's desperate for you. He plays safe. He would want you to sense his longing and make move. Even more interesting, if you commit that mistake (read sin), he would make you feel indebted to him forever for evening listening to your pining for him. He just needs you to massage his ego & other things. And then, excuse himself. His problem is: I wont do it and you were not supposed to do it. Either way, its a mess. 

- All froth, no courage: The guy who would be really sincere, caring, and madly in love. Would call you up at the least expected times and tell you how much you're being missed, and lustily. And the moment, you want to take it next level, he would panic & sweat. Followed by how much he loves you but wont go against his mum/dad/sister/brother/niece/nephew/aunt/uncle/distant aunt/distant uncle/first cousins/second cousins/bla bla bla..and that you'd be the only girl closest to his heart, well only heart!! Coz one taken off-the-shelf from a bride-store would get rest of the carnal pleasures. Don't fall for this trap and hope like fools that one day he will wake up & don his shining armor and horse-on (okay maybe drive down) to your doorstep to make you his bride.

- 'I AM': The one who loves to talk about himself while you wait for him to stop yapping & order a coffee. He would love to boast of his intellectual prowess but when you discuss the recent intelligence agency catch or some forensic stuff you watch, he would take a nano-sec to change the topic. Well, yes. You hit him at the wrong place. He would tell you how his woman should be well-dressed & articulate, but would forget to take a look at himself in the mirror before he left to meet you.  Of course, you must look good 24*7 like that thing on wall. He would love to flaunt his watch & shoes with glint in eye and everything would point towards his shallow noveau-rich status. Get up lady. He's futile, for even this planet!!

- Complete Jerks: You would be his life-support system (read emotional, mental, physical, & FINANCIAL support). He would embarrass you with almost everything. Basic etiquette, IQ, EQ, and TQ (tear quotient). You'll be expected to protect him when he's eve-teased. Imagine someone who'd even want to know your investments just over your 1st coffee?? Hold yourself from throwing that hot thing right on his face. Bad behavior is not our style!!

- Gender bender: Yes, he was born with 'schizophrenic symptoms'. And he always hallucinates you as his slave. God kicked him into this world only to be entertained, fed, and taken care of. He doesn't need your money but wont mind it either if you deposit all of it in a joint-account. You must regularly update him on number of lipsticks, shoes, bags etc etc you've in closet and convince him why do you need more. He needs a coffee soon as he gets home, though he would never ask you if you ate well, or slept well. That's your job. Not his. Okay. Now its your turn to kick him out the door. 

-Indecisive & confused: Last but not the least on the list of 'Beware/Danger' signs. This guy would know you're exactly his kind and so is he. He loves everything about you. Your lip-shades to the words you use to express. He would never fail to compliment you, make you feel desired, and appreciate you on a task well-done. He would give you equal rights on almost everything and wouldn't like see you sweat alone. Yet he'll never make up his mind and take the next step. At the back of his head, he's wondering if you're the best or there's a princess in a Limo waiting outside for him. Just him. Ofcourse, he'll wait to be doomed. And then, spend rest of life with some other nagging fat regret called 'Wife'.

Note: This piece is not a work of fiction. Its based on true events and characters encountered in everyday life and may bear resemblance to you or those around you. The intention of author is not to de-mean not-so-fair half but to make them realize that a woman's love is not her weakness. Its her beauty and strength. Acknowledge. Appreciate. Treasure. Love survives with an honest team effort and not b/w us, as competitors. Irrespective of the century, essentials of life remain the same. We still desire honest love. Even when sleeping around seems like a norm, we detest disloyalty. We still need a man who's a rock-support but isn't stone-hearted. Your little caring gestures are the most exotic stuff on earth and your loving touch - the most erotic. We still desire you to differentiate b/w 'sex' and 'making love'. We don't need diamonds every time (once in a while is okay :D) but treasure us with subtlety. We might hate so many things about you, yet we convince ourselves they make you sexy. We don't question your importance to our lives so never question ours. We CAN take care of ourselves alone but none of us want to be that way coz we so want you to enjoy the beauty of companionship with us. We might be 'Single & Happy' on face book & twitter but we all wait for the ONE to sweep us off and make a nest. Someone to understand life and its essence, the delicate things around you that you would otherwise miss in those Aviators eying a hot chick. So c'mon, cross that line and do yourself a favor. Justify your manhood beyond just lust and lame excuses. Your chance to set it right is now. Or even God wouldn't care less. 

silhouettes of my shadow...

hunting solace in fine folds of a silk dress
stuff peace shopped in crimson colors

faded moments collide my bag in corridor

hands-in-hands, eyes-on-eyes; a jaded sight

not a good girl anymore

fluster. scream. sulk. then cry - clueless why

feelings blurred, blunt words
ferry out my attic, these lingering sighs
they disturb a placid pulse

not a good girl anymore

as a virgin made love; passion rides pain
some blood, & its all over
kohled eyes romance stone-washed emotions
to let that zing remain

not a good girl anymore

coffined love buried in graveyard

yes, the one lined with symmetrical wild-rose bushes
don't call. i'll be busy tomorrow

hammering nails on this one too, one which has you

not a good girl anymore

it'll be fine in paradise. hearts beat. i catch on some sleep

snuggle to your hard chest, a fiery touch, that melting kiss
your skin sweats, scents wont sublime in mine

its ignorable. only little amiss

not a good girl anymore

as you toss in bed, i turn in your heart

hear whispers crawl your pillow, don't you? {...wont you?...please do..please do...}
avoid. keep closed, those eyes

time to smother hope tonight

not a good girl anymore

yet another day, convinced myself

yet another night, hid myself 

yet another smile, strangulated

not a good girl anymore

this moving silhouette just a shadow, darlin'
walk away. else you'll see
                   she doesn't live there. that good girl
                   no. not anymore
                   not anymore
                   not anymore

Love voodoo

Your pictures peep from my inbox

your numbers in my phone, stay

must delete 'em all - a promise broken everyday

my lazy heart thumps - as you show 'online'

well, yes. i hit on your name many-a-times

its me....that 'stranger' who added you

enough hints. now, you've a clue......?

scared, I am. I confess. you call, I don't pick

mere thought pricks

I said, its over. I said, I'm done                                                      
yet, you haunt each night. I sleep in abandon.

& if you're moving on, I wont cry

terrible. not enough of a good try

why do I fool myself? why do I hold on

desire you around. probably you're gone?

muster! cut fantasy strings binding us tight
why struggle this dilemma, n fight

i brace. i wait...if love comes

need puzzles undone....

un-do. someone??

when you call today & i dont pick

presume i'm wondering thick

would you say you miss me, much as i do?

luring imaginations stalking my car, i tell you

D.a.m.n.!.....damn this love voodoo......!!

Two minute trance

Maybe God was trying hard, real hard. To make me imbibe his divinity. I ain't an atheist, by the way. But I'm sort of done with ritualized prayer regimes. After a while, it becomes mundane. And then I do it, more out of fear (the what-if-I-don't-chant-stuff-tonight...'maybe I wont find a nice man or I'll miss out the next promotion.....' type of fear) than out of devotion for God. So I rather not do it. Instead, I'd call on him once in a while to have a little chit-chat and maybe coax him into giving me a little more strength to deal with a tough life, coz I, never never have had it my way.

It was a couple of years back during peak Indian summers that my family made a plan for a short trip to Rishikesh, a small town, by the banks of the holy river Ganga (Ganges). It was pristine when I had last seen it in 80s. I was a little girl then. I remember seeing some beautiful fishes in the crystal clear waters and walking over a huge roped bridge. Guess, this trip was to break that myth of beauty and trance. Soon as we got off from the taxi, it was chaos. I was aghast and disgusted to see the place eaten up like termites would do a beautiful piece of wooden jewelry-box. There were hoards of unkempt people, heaps of garbage, strewn roads with no bins, open drains, smelly public loos...everything that could more resemble the likes of a hell. Whoever was to blame for it, I don't care. Administration, unawareness, or just reckless human behavior in the name of God & religion. But isn't Cleanliness next to Godliness. I assume, next only? But now that I were there what could I do. I couldn't stay there for my sake. Except for my mum's insistence that we must spend a few minutes on the banks and let her offer prayers.

The sight greeting us wasn't quite pleasant. Women who probably never step out of their veiled faces bathing semi-clad, alongside men, in full view of the rest. Some washing dirty linen, well literally! Children who were, I guess peeing in the very holy river? I wanted to scream and run!! I was damn angry on myself for being there. I walked along the stony bank till I found a huge semi-immersed rock to sit for a while. I was tired, putting myself to such torture. I sat. Seemed God was still willing to welcome me there. Suddenly, a stream of dark clouds in the sky, and the view transformed to that of a scenery. It started drizzling patiently, as if to cool me down. But all hilly places are the same. I was still feeling aweful. 

Wondering subconsciously of all that was likely a 'Ganga myth', I dangled my feet in the water...the chilling, careless, muddy water, rushing speedily as if to defy  - Catch me if you can. Then clapping against the rocks. Perhaps on our foolishness to presume we did it in? The moment was unique. Not just in appearance, in its 'essence' too. Like someone above poured sheer bliss into my soul (that was full of disgust seconds ago). Like the one you get while dancing in rain amidst the lap of nature, and no one's watching. Pure joy. As if the cool sprinkles splashed to whisper into my ears..'don't be angry. I am still pure. I still heal. I still nurture. Enjoy being with me. Don't hate me for what your world does to me....love me what for I am'. Incredible is the word only close to describe my mood.

I was silently sorry to doubt a faith called Ganga. 

It was dusk when temple bells made music to see me off on soulfully enchanting notes...

My taxi was waiting...

Please don't litter. Stop abusing Mother Nature.

A birthday note:

My dear life

I accepted you with a smile sometimes, sometimes with a tear
Stood by you when all was lost

thinking you would give up your ways one day
Alas, your games never cease

No bells, no candles, nothing to make you feel special

I wont celebrate

You seem nothing to me

nothing, but a hogwash

Were you bribed to be this way?

You must've got rich

but just look at me once

my face has a still smile

A day and some trivial joys

Soon as I got home, my cousin, who was on a quick visit to see mum, pointed towards a wallet lying on our scattered table in lobby . He said something like, 'Go. Shop!'. Being funniest of the lot, unsurprisingly, he's almost never taken seriously. I guess I gave a pretty puzzled look. I was dead tired, driving my way through routine traffic mania. That time, it was of least interest to me. I sank myself in a chair, my feet rolled up for some heaven-like joy. He continued, '....I found it on way. Seems like some girl dropped it in a jiffy'. My look must have changed a little by then. Well, just a little. Passively, I felt sorry for whoever she was. I extended my hand to open the black little thing, and found a couple of bank ATMs, identity cards, few 'pp size' photos of the girl, and lots of bits & pieces of paper - visiting cards, paper cuttings, and a picture of God. She seemed to be from a very humble background. There wasn't much cash & ATM slips conveyed the same. But what seemed meager to me could be much for her, I thought. I snapped my fixed phone and dialed the number on her ID card. Much to my disappointment, the number wasn't in use. She seemed an inter-city student. Poor thing might have panicked. It was 8 at night and I wasn't sure if someone would respond at her institute's number. Still I did. Only to receive a guy who was too lazy to check records for her current number. Wonder, when it comes to others, we conveniently give a damn! Anyways, I knew I would find her.

The next day I dialed her bank that refused to disclose any details, despite my trying to convince they can take my details to verify. I, then rang a number from a visiting card, who was an employee at the same bank. He was helpful and called me back after a few hours, only to tell me the account was not of his branch. Hence, it would take a while. I was thinking of the poor girl. She had her, what seemed like house keys, too in the wallet. Maybe she would've broken the lock to get in last night? As I was fumbling to find some more contact details, I got a phone Sim card inside. Wasting no time, I put it another cell phone. Bingo!! I got her 'home' number. At the other end, the voice tone changed from curiosity to happiness, followed by lots of thank-you's. I gave my number /address, and felt glad and relieved together. 

Soon, the rightful owner came to collect her little treasure. Very much like her picture. Her smile inadvertently bought one on my face too. A satisfaction you seldom encounter in everyday chaos. She thanked me more than I thought I deserved. It was nice, though. Guess, now whenever she looks at her little black purse, she would consider it her lucky charm, .....and perhaps think of me.

Isnt it strange how life connects us to people and their memories in so many wonderful ways?? I was happy I made a little nice story for someone's future.

And darlin', dont play. It hurts when you stary

Well, yeah. Its Monday blues for me. Sunday always flies perched on a fighter jet. I went shopping, then for lunch. In all, its was fine. Since, mostly I get to read my newspaper at evenings, it was at night I sat down to find about how this wonderful world is doing. In a leading English daily, they have a section called 'Mind Over Matter' where Deepak Chopra (a renowned Indian author in English) is the healing guru who guides people trapped in the 'love-life-misery' bubble. What caught my eye was the heading..'You stray when you get bored of your wife'. Blunt? Yes. True?..Well, sadly yes. The case was of a 30 something man who was married for 2 years & had a nice wife. The piece of trouble was he fell in 'Love' with a girl just 4 days before his marriage. Since everything was arranged, he couldn't call it off. BUT..he still continues with the adulterous relation coz he can't leave his wife and has 'strong feelings' for his lover (ofcourse sexual pleasures) too!!! And he can't tell his wife. Maybe, coz he doesnt want to loose 'The Perfect Husband' title. Phewww...

The first thought that would probably cross your mind, if you are a man, would be 'Lucky guy! He has his hands full'. (See, I can read your mind). And if you happen to be a woman, you would have started saying, 'What an ***hole' by now!! No sexist statement this. But guess, God 'wired' our connections differently. Its okay. Anyways, so think about it. What a coward! If he really thought the girl was 'Perfect' for him and so was he for her, why couldn't he DARE say it to both the families. It could have caused an initial flutter but it could have SAVED three lives from this long dreadful agony. His wife is almost out of picture for now, coz she doesn't even know that her dream-man has been straying. You know, when the lights are off, who cares who are you laying on. It seems like his wife is some kind of 'backup' arrangement. When you fight with your lover, you can always have your dutiful wife to pleasure you up. Vice-versa, equally true.

Why cant men get it that cowardice is the most loathsome trait of a man. Masculinity doesn't lie in the hair on your chest, strong punch of your hand, or your high pitch. It lies in your head. A man's sex appeal is his courage. To stand up for himself first. And then for his woman. If he cant do it now. He'd never do it ever. And his lover is his equal partner in crime. Why should you continue with a man who couldn't put up a fight for you if he loved you? (Was it love or lust in its garb??) Does she really respect him?? I doubt. And now if he is married, why would you sleep with him and keep fooling yourself that maybe one day, he would walk out on his wife and live with you happily-ever-after. It can't get more foolish and dangerous than this. Come on lady. Respect yourself. Move out of the scene or tell him to decide, who does he value more. What I find really sad in the situation is the trauma the wife would go through when she discovers. She would be the biggest sufferer, her only fault being that she has trusted her man all through. Anyways, who am I to speculate?? Its just that sometimes, you cant help but say what you feel about the sorry state of things in the world. All because, someone couldn't do what was right at the right time. Had the man been a little selfish at the time of making a decision on who to marry, the picture could've changed. He is selfish now. When its all the more messed up. I hope, everyone who reads this, pauses for a moment. To introspect. To trace the anomalies of your acts. To shed ego and fear. To pick up strength. The strength to set it right. Before it gets worse. And you end up loosing what you love the most.